Tuesday, August 31, 2010


Hara is not just a place. There is the physical location in the body three tsun below the naval in the center of the body. The place where all movement is supposed to originate. If you allow movement to come from this core in the body You can move longer and father. Hara, however, is far more than just that. It is the center of all movement and therefore not just a physical locale, but a spiritual one as well. We each have a Hara. We each have a place along the spiritual path we're taking that gives us our Hara. Depending on our individual Hara we each move differently. When we move through this location we are more powerful and we move farther. Each of us is in our own journey to discover our Hara and how to move through it. It creates more fluid movements, transitions, and allows movement to reach further than it has before. With our Hara driving us we can do things that would normally wear us out. Hara is not just a physical location at all, but it is more assuredly a phylosophical place as well.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

It's Been a While

I figured I should journal out some things since it's been a while. I went to the doctor today. Took me a week to get an apointment with Beale AFB. But I finally fixed it. Like everything else in my life if I don't do it, it'll never happen. I had to have some blood work done because I dropped 30lbs in a week. Aparently that's not normal. I have no apetite. I mean I still want a hamburger, but I couldn't actually eat one. I put food in my mouth and it makes me gag. And if I get it into my stomach it doesn't stay there long. They tested and came back with elevated thyroid levels. Add to this the skin condition I've been dealing with and the nerve sensitivity. I feel like a basket case. I have always known there was something wrong, that I was slightly sick. Now to have a name to put on it? Wow. This might be a little more than I Had hoped to deal with right now. My life would seem to be ripping at the seams like some old linen dress worn to one too many parties. Thin, and thread worn it barely holds on for dear life. As it moves and sways it can't hardly keep it self together, but some how manages to get thrown in the closet one last time. I wonder if there's still any life left in these threads. Will they be able to hang on for one more wear?

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Oh! You Piss Me Off!!

I am not fond of people being indirect. There is a difference between indirect and descrete. Do not confuse the two. That much will cost you an arm, a leg, and most likely your soul. Not because I am distinctly evil, but because I will always know exactly what buttons to push to push you away. The real question is are you willing to fight back? Do you have the constitution, and fortitude to know that what I'm doing is protecting that piece of me I tried to give someone once. I can't tell you why it is this way. I know that I'm always the one who say's that scars tell us where we've been and not where we're going, but the reality is that I still feel them. You can either accept that, or move on. It's up to you. I am not one for ultimatums, but we're dealing with my future here and I feel I have the right to voice my opinion. Your conduct is unacceptable. Not just for me, some of it socially. I just can't deal with this any other way than logical. I'm sorry if that's unacceptable but it's where I am right now. Love me or leave me, I own this.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

All I Wanna Do Is Love You

If I could have the chance to make things that went wrong right I would give my last breath. I am a healer. I am a good woman who is trying to make good choices. I fall, I falter, I make mistakes. I am an imperfect human being in a perfect world. I want to have my life back! I want to feel again! I want to believe that everything I've wanted is something I deserve. I want to be fun, and laugh. I want to remember what it was like to be stressed, not be in a position where I'm not eating because of the stress. I can not keep this up. I must get my life back. I just can't seem to find it in this mess I've made. I want to be free to do what I know I love. I want to be free to love who I love. I suppose that this Abrihamic test everyone keeps telling me I have to pass is learning to give up the desire to have the control. I've never been good at allowing someone else to have control over what I was, or how I lived. Now, I don't have a choice. I want to love you. I want more for you to love me back. Just make the choice and love me back!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

I Can't Do It Anymore

I can't do it anymore. I can't remember and hurt. I can't have my stomach in knots everytime I think of you, or hear your name. I can't feel the sickening feeling of loss after each break in contact. I can't know that there are things I don't know and probably don't want to. I can't deal with the fact that you cut me off and wont even give me a chance to explain myself. I can't remember how it felt and then know you've taken it away without giving me a chance to have a say in the matter. I can't deal with the memories creeping back everytime I go through things that once belonged to you. I can't have boxes unopened because your stuff is in them. I can't heal while knowing there is a reason you did all of this and you wont give it to me. I can't handle not being able to breathe without you here. I can't push forward knowing it was the pushing forward that drove you away. I can't smile when I'm feeling so miserable inside. I can't hold it together when I'm falling apart inside without you. I can't continue to wait for your decision when it leaves me physically ill. I can't keep doing this! I know what I've seen, I know what I've felt, I know the answer I got. Lord grant me the strength to survive this I pray, but I can't do it forever. My body wont let me.

Monday, August 2, 2010


#1 Don't lie to me.
#2 No Tickling.
#3 No picking me up.
#4 No cheating.
#5 No disapearing without notice.
#6 If there's something that I do that bothers you tell me calmly.
#7 Be patient while I change the things I do wrong.
#8 Don't believe that just because my expectations are impossibly high you're viewed as a failure.
#9 Remember me.
#10 Believe me when I say 'I love you'.
#11 If you must leave me do it quickly. Don't lead me on, or try to be friends.
#12 I will believe, hope, want, and express things that are far into the future. I will not expect them to happen imediately and I don't want you to stress about them. I just need to say them out loud.
#13 Hold me when I cry.
#14 No faking it.
#15 I will forgive you, if you will forgive me and we agree to never do it again.
#16 There will be more rules.
#17 If I give you my loyalty I expect your love and devotion in return.
#18 Nothing comes without a price.
#19 Don't lose the connection by going some place else. Give me your thoughts, and help me help you.
#20 You will give me the inner most piece of you. I will make it worth your while, but if you expect me to stick around forever you will give it to me.
#21 Talk to me.
#22 Discuss big decisions with me. Things like cars, houses, trips, career changes are big devisions. We should make them together.
#23 Listen to my feelings. I wont expect you to fix all of them, but it will help you understand me. And allow me to let them go.
#24 Give me your thoughts.
#25 Need me.
#26 Tell me you need me.
#27 Be articulate. Even if it's only when you give me your thoughts.
#28 I don't like games, I'm assuming you don't either. Be direct. It elliminates the 'game' aspect of things and keeps it all very clear. No room for interpertations, assumptions, or miscommunications.
#29 Love me or set me free. Playing me like a yo-yo may seem to work for you, but it does not work for me. It should only take you a moment to decide who you want.
#30 If we are in this for the Eternities I AM YOUR FAMILY. I shouldn't have to compete with the extended family for your attention. Build your traditions and life with me and I will give you everything you could imagine. Continue to go back and I will leave you behind.