Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Today I had a nervous break down. Not a bad one, but a little one for sure. As I stood there chopping, very haphazardly, 2 inches off the bottom of my hair I realized what my issue is. I am NOT Jesse. I can't be. I have an entirely different genetic make-up, and DNA sequence. I have different parents, lived a different life, in a different town, met different people, and have a different spirit. I can not be anything but me. . . And I'm a good person too. It's really hard to be compared to someone else. It's hard to feel that comparison when you meet up with others. It is discouraging and tiresome to feel the need to live up to that person's reputation and influence. To try and be for everyone else what that person is/was for them. I would LOVE to have been able to give my husband a son for His first child. God clearly had something else up His sleeve. He knew that this little girl NEEDED her daddy. He knew that there was only one man who could be the proper example of what type of man to be married to. So I didn't give my husband a son. I gave him a daughter who adores him. There's nothing wrong with me that I "produced" a girl instead of a boy. NOTHING. I am opinionated, and emotional. I am not a stoic, well behaved woman who can put emotions aside and remain calm when someone does something that hurts me. ( as is evident by my new hair cut.) I am NOT the bigger person. I am almost insanely protective of the people I love and consider of the highest importance to me. I will not give up what I value without a fight, and you'd better believe that if you hurt me I will not forget and I will be slow to warm the next time around. I have been known to "throw the book" at people who double cross me. I am not known for being kind and "understanding" in situations where I've been wronged. I don't have perfectly styled hair. I struggle to find a style that fits both my body, and the current trends. I don't really understand how to apply make-up outside of a stage performance. I'm not "poplar" and have very little fashion sense. But I can guarantee you that I will wear it until it's thread-bare just to get my moneys worth. I don't wear name brands because it's just not practical. I'd have to work 80 hours a week to be able to pay for that. And now with a child I don't have time for anything that say's "dry clean only"… are you kidding me? I am constantly covered in baby puke of some degree. . or drool. Either way, it must be baby friendly to be in my closet. Speaking of which; as this is my first child I'm stuck wearing the "pre-baby" clothes I had before. Yes, I am aware that I don't technically fit into them anymore. I was a little more concerned with diapers and wipes for my infant than my personal stylings. I'm not saying that there's a baby going without, but I"m just saying.. as for my husband… He had the choice to walk away. I may spend the rest of my life convincing some people that it wasn't a desperate "last ditch" engagement; that he actually thought it through and decided that this messed up, emotional Scotch/Irish Imp was the one he wanted to marry but he did. I spend day's trying to convince myself that that was the case. I promise I didn't hold a gun to his head, or threaten him, or even use "feminine wiles". I was myself. I even got angry and mouthed off to him once or twice just to make sure. I am me. I am the only person I can be, and trying to be another person has ended with a horrible hair cut, and a lot of tears ( not from the hair cut). Some other stuff too, but we won't go into that. I promise that I can be just as wonderful as she can be if given the chance. Different, but just as wonderful . . . in my own way.