Thursday, August 21, 2014

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

I was prepared for a lot of things about parenting. As I lay in the tub with my feet sitting next to the Baby Head-to-toe wash I recognize my life will never be the same. I knew that going in, and I was very much ok with it. I welcomed the new life I would be living. The heartache a child in rebellion would bring, the sleepless nights, the wet beds, the broken things, the macaroni art, the muddy foot prints on my newly mopped floors, and the egg and syrup smashed into my carpet. I knew it was coming and I was ready. What I was not prepared for was the isolation. The people in my life who would stop inviting me, stop coming over, stop associating because I now had a baby. I wasn't prepared to watch all my married, but childless friends move on without me simply because I couldn't keep up now that I had a slower piece of my life in tow. I was prepared for the way that the world around me would shift into things I couldn't participate in because I didn't want my child exposed to that. I wasn't prepared for the way that the charitable things I did before would have to be put on the shelf because every extra penny I had was going to diapers, wipes, or medical bills for a child I was now trying to raise without government hand-outs. I wasn't prepared for the lack of enthusiasm I felt suddenly embodied the world around me, and enveloped me. I was NOT prepared for the way that the lack of sleep would affect my health. I've never been as "healthy" as my siblings. I mean I was at one point. At one point I was the healthiest person in my family. Now I find myself struggling to keep my head above the flu/cold epidemic. I feel the twinge of a body that has had nutrients sucked out of it. I feel the disappointment of planning a good night out and then finding out that there's no one available to play in the way an introvert can. I was not ready for the way it would feel to not understand the way it would feel. I was not prepared for not having baby blues, but having total exhaustion and not wanting people to think you didn't want to play, but you're just too tired to even wash the dishes. I was NOT prepared for the way in which I would be so incredible unable to interact socially the way I used to. I was not prepared for all the emotional weirdness that comes from being just this TIRED! I was also not prepared for the fact that every part of my body hurts from trying to work, and care for an infant that is no longer little 7lb bundle of joy. I hurt in every joint, I can barely hold my baby without my arms hurting let alone perform massages for work at the depth needed for injury maintenance; I feel like I'm 90. The part of me that would love to spend a little money and time on myself knows that I'd better be putting that money in an account for emergency doctor visits, or college, or even just anything that involves my child. It has been a life altering event for sure. Most of the physical stuff I was prepared for. Most of the mental stuff I was prepared for. Unfortunately only some of the emotional stuff I was prepared for. I think I'd like to get back to being able to have friends, and eat real food. Maybe when she's 20.