Saturday, April 27, 2013

You're An Idiot- Things I WIsh I could Tell My Future Children.

Sometimes I sit and wonder at the type of children I will leave the world. I think about how they will behave, and how much of that behavior I will have a say in. I wonder if the things that I teach them will be who they become, or if they will run to the opposite end of things just to get away. I wonder at how I will screw them up in totally different ways from the way that My parents screwed me up. Every parent does the best they know how. Inevitably, and without exception, it screws their kids up in some small way. Who will the people I create be? How will they change the world we know? What will they think of me when they're old enough to sit on a laptop and blog about what rattles around in their head? I am the Youngest of 14 siblings. We are a blended family. We are strong,and we are bonded. each of us has a role we play. We have a Diva, a Nerd, a Musician, a Teacher, a Passive Aggressive, a 'Too Honest', a Cutie-Pie, a Jock, a Special, a Golden Child, etc. You get the point. Me; I don't have a place. I've messed up a lot which you would think would make me the "screw-up". But I'm not. That role was taken before I got here. So all in all, I'm the LAST person most people in the family would come to for advice. I don't know anything. Here is what I know: It isn't enough to find a man who CAN take you to the temple. You must find a man who WILL take you to the temple. This world is falling apart, and it isn't going to get any better. Now I'm not saying it's all doom and gloom. I'm saying it can't. Literally. All those times you got told to go clean your room, and you didn't know where to start? you kinda look around, zero in on something cool. . . that's where you start. Suddenly the room is full of junk, and you're cleaning and sorting, and making SO much progress! . . . then you turn around and look at the room. It's a disaster! things get worse before they get better. So it's not getting any better! that means you must have, not only a companion who say's they're willing, but is actually worthy to take you to the temple. It wont make sense for a while. And you will spend MANY hours alone. you will feel like you are worthless because if you had value, or were worth marrying some one would've found you by now right? You'll look at the people who pay attention to you and long for their companionship. It's a trap. The right person is out there feeling just as lonely as you. But if they can't take you to the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity than they were never the person God intended for you. Walk away and be alone. It will be the most miserable time in your life. . . or so you think. I spent a very long time "looking" for Mr. Right. I married the wrong guy because I figured it had to be good enough, and he COULD take me to the temple ... eventually. It ended badly, and lets face it I wasted a lot of time being married to the wrong person. I spent 3 years crying myself to sleep trying to understand why I had to be alone. When all I had ever wanted was to be a mother, I was the one without a husband, or even a boyfriend to give me children! I watched nieces, and cousins, and siblings raise children and complain about the burden. I doted on a dog who had become my only release for my mothering instincts. I prayed harder than I had ever prayed in my life! I tried desperately to understand. I tried dating men who could've taken me to the temple if they wanted to change their lives. They were, and still are, good men! I kept trying to figure out how to "fix" them. I was lonely, I was depressed. I gave up. No really, I gave up. I had stopped researching how to have children without a man. I started researching dog breeding, and the housing market. Talked to a Mortgage Broker in San Diego, Ca about buying a house. Looked at what I was going to need to start a life as a "forever alone" woman. The Crazy Dog lady. That would be my title. I would wear it proudly. I would treat my dogs like children, and let them swim with me, and sleep in my bed, and eat at my table. I was settled with the idea that I would be single. I'm not talking about just saying " ok Lord, you win... I'm ready to be single." and secretly hoping inside you still had a chance. I had given up to a point where I didn't even mention it to him anymore. I just stopped trying. I stopped looking, and I started planning for my life as a Single Woman. I was going to make it! About 2 years into my plan God dropped Kendall into my life. it took me 2 years of hard work to be a self-sufficient, independent woman for Him to believe I meant it. But because I had finally decided not to settle I ended up with a man who not only COULD take me to the temple, but WOULD. And would do so often. Kendall made it a point to go as often as we could. That was more than worth the wait. I can honestly say I would live through the heartache, and misery, and loneliness ( and there was more of that than I could ever fathom communicating), and depression just to have Kendall. I would do it all again, and only change one thing. I would be lonely, and miserable longer. I would forgo the wasted relationships that just prolonged the agony, and get straight into the loneliness and the giving up. Embrace it. Love it and enjoy it. Find comfort in the loneliness by building your relationship with you Father in Heaven. He will teach you what a real man feels like when he enters your home. You will begin to recognize His presence in your life and when the one who is supposed to be your eternal companion walks through your door. . . it'll hit you like a ton of bricks. You'll know him because he knows your Father in Heaven, and it is written on his soul.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Hot Chai and Chocolate Croissants

I've spent a good portion if my life trying to make a name for myself. Which has always really bothered me. I have a name. My mother gave it to me at birth. It's written on a certificate that's got a Washington state seal on it. So why do I care how people use that name? Why do I feel like that name is not name enough? And why, instead of declaring that we want a reputation for ourselves, do we request the option of "making a name for ourselves"? What's the difference in the long term if no one remembers you? Why does the idea of flying through life on someone else's coat tails unacceptable? What makes someone who is a "self-made man" so much better than the man who wisely used a predecessors reputation? I pose this as the argument in favor of the self made man. Do you know your place? I don't. I've never belonged. My family said I was weird. My friends left me and did mean things to me because my brother died. My church peers couldn't stand me because I was "the teachers pet"( actually I just paid attention). My boss thinks I'm expendable and totally replaceable. My teachers found me overly inquisitive and annoyingly curious. My co-workers see me as a know-it-all who is better left alone. My in-laws.... Well, we already know that they find me less than amazing, and we all LOVE being compared to the ex-girlfriend. So where do I belong? Where is my island of misfit toys to call home? What's my place in life? Will I ever find a niché? What is the purpose of me being here on this earth?! See. . . It's hard to not have a name. To not know your place. Some of us have been so long without a place that we'll accept any that is given. I spent 6 years in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship because it was a place. If I was there than my name, my place was his punching bag. It wasn't a nice home, but it was mine. It wasn't the right one, but it was mine. I've seen more than one person walk away from what they COULD have become because they couldn't get anyone to reassign their place. Sometimes we have the fight within us to be great. We don't have the permission to belong. There is such a sense of loss, of chaos, of utter and total despair! You have nothing. No home, no name, no place, no label, no direction, no end, no beginning. There is nothing in your life that will feel like it fits. It's like walking around in someone else's skin; Only you can't give it back, or exchange it, or even grow into it, or ever fit! you change, and it just changes too! NEVER fitting properly.All in all it is one of the most annoying situations to be in. You never stop feeling depressed, or hurt. You always feel lonely. People accuse you of being short, curt, sassy, or withdrawn. They tell you that if you'd just "try and be more friendly. get to know people" it would be better. Problem is that there's nothing about you to get to know. You have nothing to offer because you don't, by social definitions, exist. You are not His ex-girlfriend, and you never will be. You're not the pretty smiling dutifully graceful woman she is. You wouldn't know how to be that passive if you tried. And it's not like you're intentionally trying to confront people, you're simply being honest. You're doing your best to make sure that you are clear, direct, and concise as possible. To avoid the long awkward conversation they don't really want to be having with you anyway. It always backfires. And reality sets in... you will never have a home. So how do you deal with people like that? I'd be grateful for a place. A role in life in which I can be the best at whatever it is I'm supposed to be good at. Sometimes, simply having someone look at me and accept the truth as it leaves my lips is wonderful. Being able to simply give you the best description I happen to have is relieving. It's also nice when people dont take it so personally. So my life is no fairy tale. Accept that my reality is far more harsh than yours, but that I have come from a very dark place to the bright light of day through a LONG arduous journey that, despite almost killing me, has left me with both a very literal view as well as a fantastical one. Not an excuse, just an explanation. I just get really tired of not belonging anywhere. I just want to find my home and not have to leave. Not have to be judged, or explain myself. I just want to be loved, and appreciated for what I have to offer. To have someone acknowledge the value in what I'm doing, or saying. To know that the hard work I do day in and day out means something to the world. That it hasn't all been for naught. But isn't that what we all want?