Monday, July 13, 2015
I'm not a particularly open human being. I guard some secrets with my life. I've opened up about some of my least favorite life experiences, but I tend to keep the day to day stuff inside the closet. Yeah, I'll very openly talk about a seriously abusive relationship that left me physically, and mentally changed forever. I'll gladly tell you about the bad choices I've made and the fact that I hope no one ever makes my mistakes. Ask me how I feel about being called weird? . . . My silence will suffice. And if you still need an answer I'll write you a story about a little girl who was called weird most of her life. I was very deeply affected by certain things growing up. I keep them to myself. Even my husband doesn't know how I really feel until he reads through a journal entry, or blog post. I don't know how to look someone in the eye and say "I'm not ok. I need help, and I need you to throw me a big party that celebrates everything good about me. Because I don't know what's good about me.". I literally don't know how to deal with the small stuff. Throw me a traumatic event, I got that. Give me the smallest disappointment, I'm completely lost. How do you deal with the fact that you had more friends than you could keep up with, and suddenly everyone will "like" your post on Facebook, but won't come to dinner at your house? How do you reconcile a wedding photo with people who you thought of as family with the fact that you can't even get them to answer a text message. I've been "ghosted" by everyone I called a friend and I'm not really sure what to do with that. I find the whole thing very unsettling. Either way I think the hardest part has been trying to come to grips with the fact that this has happened is that I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to fix it. How do you reach out to people who don't know you? How do you ask for the help your friends should be giving you when you don't have any friends? How do you find anyone that won't think you're looking for attention, or just being negative? Add to this the mental instability of pregnancy hormones you're left wondering if you're actually unstable, or if you're just lonely. You know you're supposed to be nesting, but you're also trying desperately to keep things in a budget because kids aren't cheap. You can't buy things, and there's no one to help you out. Then you try to nest by cleaning the house; only there's a toddler running around dumping dirt, and oatmeal, and rice all over the house. You begin to wonder why you're trying at all. You scrub hard water off a bathroom only to discover that there's another layer under that one. At the point at which you start crying you pick up your phone to call a friend to share your feelings with and have them validate you. Only that's right; you've been ghosted by everyone you could share with. Then you think it's because you're an introvert naturally. Maybe it is. Maybe you should get a hobby. Maybe you should get out and do something. Oh, that's right. You work insane hours, and have a toddler, and you can't afford a sitter. Bottom line, sometimes postpartum doesn't manifest as you wanting to kill yourself, or your children. Sometimes its an inability to figure out how to be the friend you want to be, or how to keep up with your friends who don't have children. And sometimes it costs you every one of the friends you thought you had.
I have a real issue with people who take man bashing as a responsibility. They constantly point out moments where Men should be doing something simply because "they should know", or because "we, as women, don't have to be asked.". Well that may very well be true, but can you honestly say that men think the same way women do? I'm pretty sure that there are a plethora of studies saying that they don't. So the idea that you may have to "ask" or "remind" them of things we never have to ask or remind them of shouldn't be a surprise. We don't gain anything as women by degrading them. There are misogynists and there are misandrists. For anyone who doesn't know what Misandry is; it's the hate of men. I just get so tired of watching Mothers who don't like their children's Dad, or had a bad relationship teaching younger boys that they aren't worth a thing. They don't say it directly to them; no they're far more devious than that. They say things to other adults, they have facial expressions, and tear these poor boys apart one moment at a time. Then they end up married to women who are emotionally abusive. The idea that anyone would think that asking your husband to stay home so you can go out with the girls, or wherever is wrong… I'm sorry, I thought that the fact that He went to work, helped with the house work when He got home, assisted with raising the child/children, made time for you, AND attempted to also make time for extended family kinda gets him off the hook for remembering your "girls night". I will admit that unless it's on my calendar I have no idea it's happening. So if my Husband wants me to be aware of an activity He's planning to attend, He puts it on the calendar. Also, I don't "ask" Him to babysit. I confirm that there isn't any last minute conflicts within that week, or things that didn't make it on the calendar. Not because I'm subservient, or my Husband is an inconsiderate jerk, but because sometimes we all need a reminder. It also helps to confirm that nothing slipped through the cracks. It's about communication. We ask to be respectful of all the hard things they do all day to make us feel comfortable. We ask to show them that we are considering their feelings. Most importantly we ask to show our children that Men have value too. In the same way our husbands buy flowers because it's tuesday. For the same reason that we kiss each other in front of the children, and verbally express affection/gratitude for each other. Children need us as adults to STOP berating each other for our genders. We are partners in this crazy world. I really do wish that women would just accept that men are as annoying to us as we are to them. For all the faults they have they are good. And raising good sons is highly dependent on mothers who are willing to lift their husbands up. Women who will show sons that even with faults and flaws; they are worth a forgiving smile, a sigh, a kiss, and our continued support and love. I know many women who I would identify as "fem-nazis". They are so busy creating a world in which they are completely 100% equal with men that they forget that they already are. We are as equal as we can be! Women, biologically, are not the same as men. We were never designed to be 100% the same. The idea that You would WANT to be is what seems insane to me. I am happy with my place. I am happy to be the emotional side of a logical partnership. Anyone with good business sense will tell you that a successful business needs to have 2 people who are different. A visionary/Idea person ( aka the emotional one) and a Technician/logical person (aka the "insensitive bustard"). These two come together and create something that works. They balance each other and ensure that the visionary doesn't dream so far beyond the means of the partnership before the venture gets going, and that the technician is pushed to see things they would not have otherwise been able to imagine. It's beautiful really! Our young men/boys need to see this. Our girls need to stop being afraid of men who know their place, and are totally comfortable with themselves. It's ok to admit that your place is "in the kitchen". I'd be willing to bet that if you made a decent sandwich He'd jump out of bed the minute He heard the fridge open and rush in to be with you. Because, well lets be honest, everyone belongs in the kitchen. . . that's where the food is. He'll probably clean up the mess after you're done making that amazing sandwich. Spoiling your man doesn't mean you're less than him. It means you recognize the effort He has put into being a GOOD man. If you're spoiling the wrong man, that's kinda your problem. Stop spoiling that man, and find the good guy with a steady job, a healthy sense of himself, and a purpose. Then watch as you're "spoiling" turns into his complete and total adoration. His inability to imagine his life without you. That's equality to me. Different roles, that both support the healthy, balanced relationships of happy homes.