Friday, March 25, 2011

Reinventing the Wheel

I suppose this has been coming for a while. The pent up emotions and feelings that make it almost impossible to function in reality. Keeping this many intense things to yourself makes you a little crazy. At this point there isn’t anything to do but go home. The desire for someplace to put these items permanently is not just a desire it’s a necessity. I can not be here again. I can not spend time giving these devotions to someone and not have it work out. Stress is killing me. Unrequited everything! I am tired of fighting, and I am tired of losing the battles. I can fight no more. My trepidation at laying down my swords comes with the highest of prices. I can not find words to express the deepest sorrow I am faced with, yet as it stands it must be done. The refiners fire is intense and almost painful. I feel like I say it too much, but this can not happen again. I really feel like it’s going to stick this time. Things I wanted to do every other time before don’t seem as exciting. Instead of just going through the motions of the process hoping for a break, or waiting for something magical to happen I’m giving it up. I’m actually considering giving control to someone else. I am scared and terrified and unsure. I am holding my breathe in anxious anticipation of the worst. I have spent years believing that I was a creature of the underworld. Here I stand, judged, weighed in the balance and looking to make amends. Knowing that giving this to my Father is going to be the toughest thing I’ve ever done I can only imagine the affects that will eventually enact upon this stage of life. Honestly terrified doesn’t even begin to express the anxiety that overwhelms me. Trusting this to end well and not trying to act on things myself is never my M.O. This will either kill me or make me. The craziest part is the peace. It’s like standing in the eye of the hurricane. I am watching the winds whip violently around me. I am watching the lightening and the rain, and I am listening to the wind howl around me. I can hear it telling me I wont make it. I can hear it taking everything I love and hold dear away. Yet here in the center everything is calm. It all seems quiet. I can see and hear it all out there, but it doesn’t change this place I presently am. Hoping that this power of peace will follow me through the storm I am about to enter I can only hope my sanity, and my love will be there in the end. I do this for me. Because failure is not an option. I MUST be prepared to meet my God. I can not lose this Love. For me.

Monday, March 7, 2011


Some people believe happiness to be a very specific moment. You have the job of your dreams, you've got a house with three rooms you don't even use, a dog( or cat), children, trophy spouse, and you go to the best coffee houses, etc. But does this really bring joy? Yes. For some people this is joy. It is an expectation that has been filled. That is all that is required to find joy. To have no unfulfilled expectations. Knowing this I have thought about my expectations. I expect to be loved, I expect to be disappointed from time to time, I expect to have days when I can't stand you but I love you anyway. I expect to be tired beyond belief until I get a vacation. I expect to be completely satisfied by the feeling of your arms around me. I expect to find nothing more pleasurable than your company. I expect to feel joy and happiness at these things and more simple moments. Why? Because to me, this IS good enough. Because this is what I want. Believe that these things do not deserve me, or that I deserve better if you wish. I don't not require nor want better. I want this.