Sunday, August 26, 2012

Sacramento is all Leatherby's and Old Town. . . Or So I'm Told.

We all know what a "Man Moment" is. . . But for the men out there who don't; it is those moments when whatever you think is the right answer, you're wrong. You say this thing you think is funny, or cute, or not that big a deal and it turns out to be one of the most insulting things you could have thought. OR!! She's expecting you to read her mind/understand her hints and you miss it completely and end up disappointing her. It happens. They are forgivable moments and as a woman it helps to have a label to put on this inexplicable idiotic behavior. Now that we've got that cleared up: I have moments when because of what The Major did I need help, but I have no idea how to ask for it. I find myself desperately hoping someone will see the inner pain and turmoil and run to my rescue. I pray desperately, through the tears I am crying myself to sleep with, that someone will take over and fight the rest of this battle for me. Or, just simply hold me so I can cry. I am tired. I am very tired. I pretend that I'm not, and I am pretty good at convincing myself of the matter from time to time. Lets face it; I'm not 18 any more. The ability to go non-stop at full speed is not something I can do. So between fighting my personal demons, trying to support people I care for, learning news that is devastating, and maintaining a good working base of medical information in my brain I'm pooped! I don't know how to ask for help. I spent a goodly portion of my life on my own. I hate to say it, but even with 13 siblings I ended up with 'only child' syndrome. I need help. I need someone to tell me to stop, and give me permission to break down. I need to cry, and I need someone to hold me while I do it. These things are both cathartic and healthy! I need someone to tell me to say 'No'. I need someone to hear my silent cries for help and recognize that I can't do this anymore. I need to feel safe falling asleep. I need 6 hours of uninterrupted slumber! I haven't slept through the night in 3 years. I wake up after a short bit from either a nightmare, or a sound that puts me back in a basement. I've only ever trusted one man completely. I know He wont be around forever because no one lives forever, and I was His 'late lamb'. The thought of losing Him scares me silly. It makes me a nervous wreck, and as I realize that the time when He wont be around is getting closer I start freaking out. Now not only do I lose sleep because of The Major, I lose sleep because my Dad wont live forever. Nothing will ever replace Him. He has saved me from myself more than once. Of all the convoluted, painful, irritating, mess of situations that brought Him into the right place to be my Dad I couldn't be more grateful. He is here, and He has always been here when I need Him. So as you get older and suddenly realize your Dad is a Grandpa, and a Great Grandpa is starts to sink in. . . you can fight it, but it hits you. The bond there is undeniable, and no one can ever love you the same. You want to scream at the sky " YOU CAN'T TAKE HIM! I NEED HIM!", but you know it doesn't change a darn thing. Everything that is living must die. It is a PART of living to die! This is scientifically irrefutable. So why bother? I do need Him. I can't keep Him, but I do still need Him. I will ALWAYS need my Dad. But at some point we have to bust out the pull-ups, and move on. Now I recognize that not everyone has this relationship with their Fathers. I have been spoiled in this regard I know. It doesn't change that even if you're not the child feeling this, perhaps you're the Dad a child feels this way about. I have made a mistake tonight I will probably regret for a long time to come. I had someone who would help me through this. Hold me while I cried, and probably would've stayed long enough for me to fall asleep. I decided it was more important for them to get some sleep than it was for me to get help. I gave something I did not have to give, and created a deficit in my ability to be emotionally sound. I gave all the signs I needed and wanted to share. Then shut the offer down because I believed the demand to great, and my deserving of the help to little. Here I sit, pouring out my hurt and pain to an electronic device realizing I will cry myself to sleep once more, and still not feel any better when I wake because I couldn't muster the courage to beg for one night of help. Though my intentions were noble, and of good intention, I have put someone else's wellness above myself and left unable to hold myself together. I have damaged the mental/emotional health of myself, and in so doing put at risk the physical. It is a grave mistake indeed. The worst part is that they are a willing helper. They actually WANT to come to my rescue. I need only ask. . . I unfortunately do not know how to ask. For this I owe the deepest apologies. I am sorry I denied you a chance to serve me because I believed the demands on you to serve others were too great. I set you up for this "Man Moment" and I am sorry. It was cruel, and ungracious of me.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

She's So Fluffy I'm Gonna Die!

I really have no idea what I want to say. I had a moment earlier where I was going to rant about something and I thought to myself " this is genius! you should blog this!". . . Of course it's gone now. I should have started the process before I lost it. Perhaps it will come to me again as I rant about ranting. Nope. pretty sure it's gone. Darn it. Well, I've thrown My back out loading the dishwasher. :) Funny story about that actually. I've had a horrid week. News I didn't want combined with emotional frustration due to being female, I suppose, created the perfect storm. I've been in tears, and just a mess emotionally. I need a massage. Either way; the emotional state of one's self directly affects the physical aspects of the self. So with all this emotional turmoil I am left to strain through the physical. With the fatigue setting in I've been volunteering with a high school football team treating injuries. (My feeble attempts to get the attention of the coach I happen to fancy.)I figured I have been carrying my table up and down the steps of my apartment for almost 2 years so I should be able to do this easily. Well I did fine, I've put in 3 extra hours of work including days off. It's not hard work but still. When you have a day off your body expects to use it to rest. So here I am, loading the dishwasher after a week of this non-sense and unsuccessful attempts to get the attention I'm craving. ( note that I'm trying really hard to not be selfish about this and respect the fact that work is something most people prefer to be functional for) I use the most horrendous body mechanics imaginable to place a heavy pan in the lower shelf of the dishwasher. . . *POP* there it goes. Almost stealing every breathe I have in me I feel it slip out of place. First time I've ever really thrown it out. I straighten up only to discover that about halfway there I can barely arch my back let alone get it straight. I lay down on the floor. In the kitchen. Yup, dishes half loaded and I'm on the floor wondering how I missed that bread crumb under the edge of the oven. It took me 2 hours to be able to crawl into the bathroom where I have a linen closet. I pulled the heating blanket from the closet and plugged it in, laid on it and finally pulled myself into bed. All I can think at this point is " really?! loading the dishwasher?! you work 400lb men! you deliver deep tissue to clients who break other therapists and do just fine! you did it doing something so inglorious?! Oi Vey." Clearly I am no master of deep thought. But It was a great reminder that our physical and our mental are tied tightly to each other in our health. We are to care for both to be Well. Wellness is not just passing a physical. It is most intricately woven into the pattern of life that the spirit and body work in unison as a team. Pulling life through the tissue and sinews into animation. They must be treated together as conditions are both. Fatigue of the body must be treated with heart and tenderness. Fatigue of the spirit must be treated with strength of body. As we take vacations we improve our mental ability to warn us the physical is in need of rest. The nutrition and training of our bodies gives the mind a boost of energy. Treat both, and treat them lovingly. Honesty, Awareness, Compassion. The foundation of all healing begins with self.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Apricots From Afghanistan

I enjoy being one of those Massage Therapist who tells you to go try this new burger joint I've just discovered. I do not drink wheatgrass every morning, I don't eat tofu (unless I order miso soup with my sushi.), I have no intention of getting rid of my pinesol clorox wipes or febreeze air freshener, I don't believe a skinny woman is a healthy woman, and I don't think you need 10 hours of Yoga everyday. I believe in common sense. I am the kind of therapist who recognizes that to enjoy life we need to enjoy some of the more indulgent things in life. We can't spend all our time fixing our deficiencies. Learning to enjoy our flaws makes them beautiful. Now I'm not saying we need to stop forward progress, not by any means! Things that stop moving are dead. I don't recommend Zombie status. It's kind of a mess. I'm just saying to stop focusing on all the hype. If you're going to end up dead anyway we might as well enjoy a little bit of the trip. Like any good road trip it is the boring wastelands that give the random moments the biggest stage. Imagine driving along in the mountains and you've been staring at pine trees for a million miles. Then suddenly a stone bridge, and a flying saucer made out of old satellite dishes. You better believe you're stopping to get a picture in front of this great piece of trash that broke the monotony! Likewise if a sign reading "Fishtrap" shows up after staring at tumble weed and suicidal jack-rabbits for 400+ miles. . . again, you seize the photo op. The things we do to improve ourselves are these breaks in the road trip of life. I'm sure there are people who don't mind repeating the same scene over and over, but personally I'm not a fan. I go stir crazy after a couple months in the same apartment. I believe learning things that make us healthier, and smarter, and stronger are good. I do not agree with getting swept up in the hype. There is a level of common sense that has to be applied. Everyone should have a basic understanding of their own anatomy. No I'm not saying we should stand in front of a mirror examining the freckles on our hide parts. I'm saying we should understand how the body metabolizes food, how it moves, how it builds tissue, how it breaks tissue down, and why it does certain functions at all. If you can understand the basics about your body when someone writes an article about the latest diet you can read through it, and determine whether or not it's worth the page it's printed on. Enjoy the little things. Yes cholesterol is sometimes high; so enjoy the butter on your toast sparingly. Yes your muscles stiffen and tighten as we age; so enjoy a little Tai Chi, or Yoga a couple times a week. Indeed, it can be said that too much junk/fast food makes you overweight and morbidly obese; so enjoy the hamburgers with bacon you can eat by not eating them everyday. Like I keep saying : Common Sense. My idea's on life as a Therapist? Enjoy every moment you can for what it is. Even the bad moments are beautiful, you just have to wait a little longer to see the beauty sometimes. Believe that beauty exists and seek it out by improving YOUR corner of the world. Make it contagious with goodness that people will carry to others like an infectious disease. Perhaps then we can infect all of humanity with a brotherly love that doesn't end.