Sunday, July 2, 2017
I'm not an easy person to like. I say that a lot. Most people see that as fishing for a compliment. I say it with the self realized evidence of the past several years. The one thing my Husband has admitted about first meeting me? He didn't really like me. He thought I was a "know-it-all". Most of the friends I have that stuck through the awkward stage? They'll say it took some time to "warm up" to the idea of being my friend. Most people will confess to me that they weren't certain about whether or not they could deal with me when we first met. . . Let that sink in for just a moment. Imagine being told for the better part of your late 20's early 30's that you are not the ideal, personable human being people befriend. Imagine being told regularly that you're "difficult" to enjoy. Now think about how that sits on the psyche. There's a good reason I don't reach out to people. There's a reason I don't go out of my way to go places, or throw parties, or even attend parties. Several reasons actually. The big ones come from what happened to me in my early 20's. The "little" ones come from the fact that I can't even get my own family to enjoy me, let alone strangers; so I just stay home. My children are difficult to like as well. Mostly because we spend so little time with people outside our own home. It's difficult to have play dates when no one wants to sit and talk to you as the adult. I stopped pretending I understand people in the middle of what was going on with me before. I stopped paying attention to whether people mattered when the Major was selling me as a commodity. It makes me difficult to like. I don't understand the purpose of small talk. I don't really care about gossip. I'm not all that interested in fashion, and the latest craze ( which should be evident by my inability to dress myself.), I don't know how to not be awkward. Awkward is kind of my default setting. I am out of place in the world. I don't fit in. I do better when I keep my mouth shut, but I end up dying a little inside because no one really knows who I am. I get an uncouth exuberance when a subject I know about is brought up. I feel personally insulted when people won't let me help them; because it happens so rarely that I can be useful. I feel a great deal of pain at the fact that my children are the wierdos because I can't make enough friends with children their age for them to have playmates. My heart breaks when they desperately want to play with someone, and I have made that impossible. There is a silent amount of guilt killing me because I am difficult to like. Yet if I pretend, and become likable, I also die a little inside. So, Parenting catch 22. Do you die inside because your children are lonely and unlike, or do you die inside because you're faking it? Maybe someday I will know the answer, and my children will forgive me for failing them in this area. Maybe.
Monday, June 5, 2017
You know what one of the most patronizing things I've ever heard is? At this phase of my life it is the sentiment "you'll get through this. It's only temporary.". This sentiment, and ones along these lines, make me want to look that person straight in the face and say No $#&% Sherlock? because the thousands of millions of people throughout history aren't proof that it is possible to survive being the parent of small children. So this is me. Explaining to all of you out there trying to keep people like me motivated. Those are not things we need to hear right now. We're smart enough to know that we will survive this. Maybe we don't want to survive. Maybe we want to sleep. Maybe we want to not have a brain fog that makes us practically useless. Maybe, just maybe, we want to splurge on something and not have to sacrifice it to small children, or accept that a splurge denies them something they'll probably need. I mean I would like to have a little extra money to go to Jamba Juice often enough to actually know what flavor is my favorite. Heck! I'd like to know whats on the bloody menu! Maybe we'd like to be in a position where we can get our nails done, or have a hobby. You know like those things people do to help them feel fulfilled? yeah, those things. only they usually require money and time we don't have. Because Kids. Little kids. So take your "you'll miss this", and your "it'll go so fast" and shove it where the sun don't shine! A better way to encourage and motivate people like me would be a "Yup! this part is lame." Even a "come get a pedicure with me! my treat.". Or just talk to us about something besides Mickey Mouse, Doc McStuffins, Princesses, you know the stuff we spend all day talking about. Discuss politics with us. Discuss anything that isn't my children! Gift cards are awesome too! I can't even begin to explain the amount of time that goes by between the times I get to listen to my music, and when I'm listening to London Bridge. I'm not even sure I can remember what my favorite song is anymore. I used to be able to name any 80's hair band just by listening to a few bars of their music. Now I'm like "wait, this is who?! ". The lack of time to ones self is nauseating. I know there are Moms out there writing blogs about how wonderful this all is, and how we're doing great, and how it's all so beautiful. Good for them. Good for all the people who read those posts and think " oh I needed this!".. You know what I need?! A stiff drink, and a ridiculously large plate of bacon. The stiff drink isn't going to happen in this life time, but the bacon is still a possibility. I am not opposed to motivation. Just remember that if you patronize me I will eventually respond with sarcasm. It will be brutal. It won't feel good. At this point my wit and brutal sarcasm are the only hobbies I can afford/have time for. So if you feel like tempting fate and trying out your motivation don't be hurt if my response isn't welcoming and full of gratitude. It's not that you don't mean well; it's just that some of us are NOT enjoying this phase of life, and we never will. You trying to make us enjoy it, or see the joy in it isn't going to change a thing. We recognize that someone out there is enjoying every moment of this. We are NOT that person. It's a lot like preference for sweet, or savory. You can't change a persons preference. No matter how many motivational quotes, and blog posts, and articles you give them in favor of your preference. So just stop. Just stop trying to change us. Accept us, and our "taste" about this phase of life. And for the love of all that is holy; Stop telling us we'll love this, or miss this.