I Just Wanna Have a Good Time, Just Like Everybody Else.

We force some memories to the back of our minds. They are painful, and distressing, and if we remember them they will paralyze us. We tell ourselves that if no one knows, if we don't speak it, write it, or have photo's than it never happened. History is what we hear, see, or read. Nothing else. So we hide them knowing that if there is no record than it never happened. Something that works very well when your looking at sin and the miracle of forgiveness. But they did happen. These things were real. They ARE. and they are not just because they happened, but because even if your mind did not chose to remember it, the body does.
The body remembers every punch, every kick, every name called, every head slammed into the walls or sinks, every burn, every poke, every cut, everything. It's almost more traumatic when the mind refuses to remember and the body forces it's memories to the surface. It's almost desturbing when you begin to realize that some of the patterns you have as an adult stem from these events in childhood. It's scary to recognize that you spent almost everyday since you were 3 defending yourself against the violence, and not telling a soul to keep it from getting worse. You're left wondering why you were picked. Why did no one else get hurt? what was so different about you that everyone ganged up on you. And why were you not safe? Even in the places of worship you recieved this treatment. Those people were supposed to be better than the rest. They were supposed to be kind, loving, indifferent. You are left with questions that taste almost as bad as they sound. Worst of all no one seems to care. The indifference and lack of shock at the fact that you could be treated that way almost seems to cement into reality that you deserve this treatment. That THIS is the way you are supposed to live your life. You ARE the scape goat. Deserved or not, the punishment is yours to take. Even if you didn't commit the crime.
Perhaps it's punishment for future wrongs you will commit. Or maybe the universe is just that messed up. Either way, the only way you'll ever wrap your mind around it is to act like it never happened. Never speak of it, never remember. Until someone tries to get close and you wont let them. Then in terror, throw up the defenses and sabatoge every attempt to get in. They'll see the scars, and that would mean it really happened.