Puppy Dog Tails and Guitars

Do you know what it's like to be the loser? It is seemingly a horrible job. A lame position that requires you to be the bane of your own existence. By simple human drive we are all looking and striving and working to be the Winner. I've accepted the fact that I am the loser. I am in no way athletic. I don't have anything that is terribly useful when it comes to competition. I'm the last man picked, and the first man out. the hardest part of this position is learning that you are far more important than you realize. You can't have Winners without Losers. So those people need you. It's a hard role to fill, and it sucks somedays. . . okay, it sucks most every day. You really want to be the winner in SOMEthing. Well suck it up and grab your pull-ups cause it's not getting any different. Learn to own your role. Learn to love and embrace this place in your life like you would being single. Be the best loser there is! Make sure that you are a "good sport" ( which basically means you Lose with dignity). Smile and laugh and enjoy the time spent participating. You could be one of those people who never even gets invited to try. It's not always a bad thing to be the last man picked, because you could be one of the people not picked at all. Remember that everything has it's place, and this is yours. By contrast I would hope that your friends who are Winners would pause for a moment to appreciate the difficulty in being you. That they would make an effort to include you in events that don't require a winning or losing role. That you could be socially accepted by the people who are beating you into an emotional hell. Sometimes the hardest thing for a Winner to do is remember that they had to step on someone to get there. They forget how many people's feelings were hurt, how many dreams were crushed, and most probably don't even know that you've never won at anything in your life. My advice to the Winners of the world, be aware of how many times someone else has lost. Not so you can remember how much better you are, but so that you can try and lift someone who has never had the chance to win. It's a lonely place at the top. Endearing yourself to someone who needs to feel like they're not losing at EVERYthing makes the journey less lonely. I personally believe it a responsibility of Winners to befriend, and defend the Losers in their life. I know not everyone feels that way. I'm not saying everyone deserves a prize. That's bull-crap. I'm saying, be kind. You won because of their less than stellar ability to defeat you. You're not above them. You needed them to suck that bad. Now be grateful and defend them from their own depression and anxiety. Make them believe there's a reason to get up every morning and keep losing. Because I can tell you from experience; some days, most days, you don't even know why you're still getting up if you're just going to lose again.

You're An Idiot- Things I WIsh I could Tell My Future Children.

Sometimes I sit and wonder at the type of children I will leave the world. I think about how they will behave, and how much of that behavior I will have a say in. I wonder if the things that I teach them will be who they become, or if they will run to the opposite end of things just to get away. I wonder at how I will screw them up in totally different ways from the way that My parents screwed me up. Every parent does the best they know how. Inevitably, and without exception, it screws their kids up in some small way. Who will the people I create be? How will they change the world we know? What will they think of me when they're old enough to sit on a laptop and blog about what rattles around in their head? I am the Youngest of 14 siblings. We are a blended family. We are strong,and we are bonded. each of us has a role we play. We have a Diva, a Nerd, a Musician, a Teacher, a Passive Aggressive, a 'Too Honest', a Cutie-Pie, a Jock, a Special, a Golden Child, etc. You get the point. Me; I don't have a place. I've messed up a lot which you would think would make me the "screw-up". But I'm not. That role was taken before I got here. So all in all, I'm the LAST person most people in the family would come to for advice. I don't know anything. Here is what I know: It isn't enough to find a man who CAN take you to the temple. You must find a man who WILL take you to the temple. This world is falling apart, and it isn't going to get any better. Now I'm not saying it's all doom and gloom. I'm saying it can't. Literally. All those times you got told to go clean your room, and you didn't know where to start? you kinda look around, zero in on something cool. . . that's where you start. Suddenly the room is full of junk, and you're cleaning and sorting, and making SO much progress! . . . then you turn around and look at the room. It's a disaster! things get worse before they get better. So it's not getting any better! that means you must have, not only a companion who say's they're willing, but is actually worthy to take you to the temple. It wont make sense for a while. And you will spend MANY hours alone. you will feel like you are worthless because if you had value, or were worth marrying some one would've found you by now right? You'll look at the people who pay attention to you and long for their companionship. It's a trap. The right person is out there feeling just as lonely as you. But if they can't take you to the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity than they were never the person God intended for you. Walk away and be alone. It will be the most miserable time in your life. . . or so you think. I spent a very long time "looking" for Mr. Right. I married the wrong guy because I figured it had to be good enough, and he COULD take me to the temple ... eventually. It ended badly, and lets face it I wasted a lot of time being married to the wrong person. I spent 3 years crying myself to sleep trying to understand why I had to be alone. When all I had ever wanted was to be a mother, I was the one without a husband, or even a boyfriend to give me children! I watched nieces, and cousins, and siblings raise children and complain about the burden. I doted on a dog who had become my only release for my mothering instincts. I prayed harder than I had ever prayed in my life! I tried desperately to understand. I tried dating men who could've taken me to the temple if they wanted to change their lives. They were, and still are, good men! I kept trying to figure out how to "fix" them. I was lonely, I was depressed. I gave up. No really, I gave up. I had stopped researching how to have children without a man. I started researching dog breeding, and the housing market. Talked to a Mortgage Broker in San Diego, Ca about buying a house. Looked at what I was going to need to start a life as a "forever alone" woman. The Crazy Dog lady. That would be my title. I would wear it proudly. I would treat my dogs like children, and let them swim with me, and sleep in my bed, and eat at my table. I was settled with the idea that I would be single. I'm not talking about just saying " ok Lord, you win... I'm ready to be single." and secretly hoping inside you still had a chance. I had given up to a point where I didn't even mention it to him anymore. I just stopped trying. I stopped looking, and I started planning for my life as a Single Woman. I was going to make it! About 2 years into my plan God dropped Kendall into my life. it took me 2 years of hard work to be a self-sufficient, independent woman for Him to believe I meant it. But because I had finally decided not to settle I ended up with a man who not only COULD take me to the temple, but WOULD. And would do so often. Kendall made it a point to go as often as we could. That was more than worth the wait. I can honestly say I would live through the heartache, and misery, and loneliness ( and there was more of that than I could ever fathom communicating), and depression just to have Kendall. I would do it all again, and only change one thing. I would be lonely, and miserable longer. I would forgo the wasted relationships that just prolonged the agony, and get straight into the loneliness and the giving up. Embrace it. Love it and enjoy it. Find comfort in the loneliness by building your relationship with you Father in Heaven. He will teach you what a real man feels like when he enters your home. You will begin to recognize His presence in your life and when the one who is supposed to be your eternal companion walks through your door. . . it'll hit you like a ton of bricks. You'll know him because he knows your Father in Heaven, and it is written on his soul.

Hot Chai and Chocolate Croissants

I've spent a good portion if my life trying to make a name for myself. Which has always really bothered me. I have a name. My mother gave it to me at birth. It's written on a certificate that's got a Washington state seal on it. So why do I care how people use that name? Why do I feel like that name is not name enough? And why, instead of declaring that we want a reputation for ourselves, do we request the option of "making a name for ourselves"? What's the difference in the long term if no one remembers you? Why does the idea of flying through life on someone else's coat tails unacceptable? What makes someone who is a "self-made man" so much better than the man who wisely used a predecessors reputation? I pose this as the argument in favor of the self made man. Do you know your place? I don't. I've never belonged. My family said I was weird. My friends left me and did mean things to me because my brother died. My church peers couldn't stand me because I was "the teachers pet"( actually I just paid attention). My boss thinks I'm expendable and totally replaceable. My teachers found me overly inquisitive and annoyingly curious. My co-workers see me as a know-it-all who is better left alone. My in-laws.... Well, we already know that they find me less than amazing, and we all LOVE being compared to the ex-girlfriend. So where do I belong? Where is my island of misfit toys to call home? What's my place in life? Will I ever find a niché? What is the purpose of me being here on this earth?! See. . . It's hard to not have a name. To not know your place. Some of us have been so long without a place that we'll accept any that is given. I spent 6 years in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship because it was a place. If I was there than my name, my place was his punching bag. It wasn't a nice home, but it was mine. It wasn't the right one, but it was mine. I've seen more than one person walk away from what they COULD have become because they couldn't get anyone to reassign their place. Sometimes we have the fight within us to be great. We don't have the permission to belong. There is such a sense of loss, of chaos, of utter and total despair! You have nothing. No home, no name, no place, no label, no direction, no end, no beginning. There is nothing in your life that will feel like it fits. It's like walking around in someone else's skin; Only you can't give it back, or exchange it, or even grow into it, or ever fit! you change, and it just changes too! NEVER fitting properly.All in all it is one of the most annoying situations to be in. You never stop feeling depressed, or hurt. You always feel lonely. People accuse you of being short, curt, sassy, or withdrawn. They tell you that if you'd just "try and be more friendly. get to know people" it would be better. Problem is that there's nothing about you to get to know. You have nothing to offer because you don't, by social definitions, exist. You are not His ex-girlfriend, and you never will be. You're not the pretty smiling dutifully graceful woman she is. You wouldn't know how to be that passive if you tried. And it's not like you're intentionally trying to confront people, you're simply being honest. You're doing your best to make sure that you are clear, direct, and concise as possible. To avoid the long awkward conversation they don't really want to be having with you anyway. It always backfires. And reality sets in... you will never have a home. So how do you deal with people like that? I'd be grateful for a place. A role in life in which I can be the best at whatever it is I'm supposed to be good at. Sometimes, simply having someone look at me and accept the truth as it leaves my lips is wonderful. Being able to simply give you the best description I happen to have is relieving. It's also nice when people dont take it so personally. So my life is no fairy tale. Accept that my reality is far more harsh than yours, but that I have come from a very dark place to the bright light of day through a LONG arduous journey that, despite almost killing me, has left me with both a very literal view as well as a fantastical one. Not an excuse, just an explanation. I just get really tired of not belonging anywhere. I just want to find my home and not have to leave. Not have to be judged, or explain myself. I just want to be loved, and appreciated for what I have to offer. To have someone acknowledge the value in what I'm doing, or saying. To know that the hard work I do day in and day out means something to the world. That it hasn't all been for naught. But isn't that what we all want?

Compare and Contrast

Is married life supposed to be all fair tales and magic? Is it really any different than the regular life you've been living with your best friend? I suppose that in most of the world where men and women live together long before the wedding that it isn't any different. I suppose that people asking me all the time "Hows Married Life?!" is just a conversation starter, and that they aren't really meaning to pry. But for someone who, although not secretive, can be private the question is annoying and feels more like prying than anything. What happens in the closed doors of my home with my husband is no ones business but my own. I tend to not understand where there's supposed to be a major difference between life before I married a good man and after. It also seems that My response distresses the In-Laws. Like I don't know that my husband is amazing. Sometimes people are not more amazing than the other person. Sometimes two amazing people find each other, and one is not more amazing than the other. My family has a tradition; we leave the married couple alone. We ask how the individual is doing. We know and understand that both are extraordinary people and that their lives together aren't made better or amazing BY the other person. They are merely combined and stay amazing. So the idea that just because I've never trusted another man the way I trust this one would change my life. . . I guess I'm just that jaded. My life is no different. He doesn't go home at night, but other than that there is no difference between what I am now and what I was 8 months ago. I am insulted at the idea that I was incapable of creating an extraordinary life before He came along. That it took another human being to make me amazing. I have worked my whole life, through troubles, and through some of the darkest moments to find joy and happiness. To come out the other side clean and happy. There are a lot of scars, but that doesn't mean that I'm imperfect. That I'm not as amazing as the other half. For a marriage to work both halves must be wholes, and they must be equals. So no, when two amazing things come together that are equal there's not much change. They just stay amazing. It would be a lie to say that it doesn't hurt to think that I am somehow viewed as less than the man I married. The idea that just because he was a good man that my life becomes something more than what I was aiming for to begin with. I don't understand why life should be any different. It's the same path, the same route, the same goal. Now there are merely 2 pieces traveling the road. No load is lighter, no goal is different, no real change other than a little conversation along the way.

Three Months Late, and One Fiddy short.

I've been meaning to write this for a while. I saw a friend post something to Facebook. Something I don't typically take too seriously. It happened right after the election and referenced the way each man talked about his wife. The emphasis placed on the word "chose", to be exact. Here's my thought. I would rather be "chosen" than not. My logic comes from this line of thinking; Most people who are considered chosen are above the caliber, and higher quality than those surrounding them. It implies that the man saw his wife as the woman of his dreams. Like so many "chosen" people in fairy tales, only she could save his world from desolation. The barren waste of lonely existence could only be averted if she saved him. Not just any woman would do either, mind you, there was only one. The idea that it would be degrading for a woman to be the chosen person in a mans life is beyond me. Granted we don't tend to lean that direction when thinking about it, but I like to believe that the romantic in that man ( which I saw because I bothered to observe)saw this woman as his saving grace. That without her, he would be a lonely miserable, worthless human being. Oh what honors and Grace is bestowed on a woman who can win a man's mind to the point where he knows he is nothing without her. That his only choice to be saved from a useless existence is the one where he musters every ounce of courage, places his pride, his dignity, his very life on the alter and begs her to marry him. THAT is the choice. The one where he stoops below what his ego would allow and asks her to save him. Again, I offer that it is better to be chosen, than to have been the one to choose. Although marriage is a solemn ordinance in which two people help to save each other through encouragement and growth; I do not believe that either one can say they did not feel the uplifting love, and compassion of the other in the courting process. As well, it can be measured that healthy, solid relationships are usually made from two people who will, often times, willing admit that the other person is the most amazing person they've ever known. There is a mutual adoration that should always be there. Each should lift the other, and not forget that it was an act of Agency that brought them to that place. That they sacrificed pride, and ego to get Home. Either way, I find it romantic that he admitted to a nation that he chose a woman to make him a better man.

Keep Calm and Chive On

Love is a craving we all have. It fills the deepest parts of our engines. We are fueled by it and we know it. Somewhere deep in our inner most parts we know it. Our confusion over Lust and Love is understandable. If you don't have true Love as a child you have no idea how to replicate it. We go from Lust to Lust and feel mildly satiated, but never full. It is then a strange and undefinable moment when we suddenly encounter true Love. I'm not talking about the Snow White singing to with the birds, and rabbits, and dancing raccoons. I'm talking about the Love that drives the human spirit to unending hope, humility, and insane bravery. It's the sort of things that gets you to buy a plane ticket home for Christmas after not having talked to your family for 10 years. It tells you to drop money in an old mans cup as he sits hunched on the sidewalk. It tells you that the morning will be beautiful even if you're living in hell. And what does all this mean to me? It means I have a 12yr old husky who doesn't like to sleep, a wedding reception I'm trying to plan for some people who seem to think the only way to get married is with a huge party, and bills to pay. on very little sleep i've managed to upset my healthy diet with copious amounts of caffein, get most things for the wedding done, and convince my dog that she can hold still for 3 hours while I sleep. I really don't understand what's wrong with Punch and cookies. Most receptions are over the top and annoying. People HATE them. The best wedding I ever went to was one where the whole thing was 3 hours. from the bridal march to the send off. It took them 2 minutes to exchange vows after a pastor had taken 5 minutes to wed them. then they cut the cake, danced, and invited us to dance. 3 hours later they were on their way and we were all headed home. Wanna know what they served? Russian Wedding Cookies.. or mexican wedding balls; which ever you call them, and punch. BEST. RECEPTION. EVER. I hate those cookies, but I loved the simplicity of it all. I will never forget the conversations, the photo's, the laughter. It was small and intimate. Personally I will take intimate over the public spectacle. I'm not a celebrity, and I have no desire to be. So why would I want hundreds of people to parade through a room and pretend to be happy for me when they have NO F&$%ing clue who I am?! " oh but Deb, the more people you invite the more presents!". . . I have lived on my own for 10+ years. If I need something I earn the money to buy it. I've got everything I need, and even somethings I want. I don't even want presents! I want simple. I want to be surrounded by the people who care for me the most, and I want to enjoy them as we celebrate the beginning of a new chapter. THAT is what weddings are about. people just get out of control. I will confess that I've reached a place where I'm not even sure I want to get married anymore. Pretty much done. I just think there are things more important that presents. I think the time with family is of more significance to quality of life. I gotta walk Makaio. She's starting to whimper. Plus I had laundry in the dryer I should probably get. So, I'll go take my dog for a run and retrieve my laundry. You find a reason to do more than Lust, and discover what true Love is.

's Wonderful -Ella Fitzgerald

I believe in laughter. I believe in not taking life too seriously. I believe you can laugh at everything, and that although somethings are sacred, you can laugh at just about everything. I do not believe your opinions are any less important, but most certainly not more important than my own. But most of all I believe in being a better person today than you were yesterday. If you can't belong to something, or believe in something, or do something that makes you better; you're a waste of the human condition. No but seriously... Lighten up. Sometimes I wonder if people understand the idea of accountability. They seem to think that by limiting ones freedoms you somehow create a better person. Wrong. Pigeon holing a human spirit is the fastest way to create a disastrously dangerous society. Granted anarchy isn't much better, but if life has taught me anything it's that the extremes are never the correct answer. The closer to the center you aim the more on target you are... It's that simple. I know, it's a ground breaking thought, but they kept telling me to aim for the center in archery too. Seems like someone had it right back in the dark ages when they made a target with a noticeable indicator of center ground. It works that way morally too. Aim for the center. Banning all guns is bad, but giving people carte Blanche is also bad. Having some rules in place to remind people to use common sense is more than likely your best option. ( btw have you ever tried to blog from your smart phone? Stupid auto-correct and funky keyboard size... Throwing me way off) likewise with alcohol (prohibition anyone?), drugs, seat belts ( tell me you fasten yours when riding in the back seat and I'll call you a liar.), texting, jut about anything. The more we restrict it the easier it is for criminals to make money off it. People crave agency, and structure. Seemingly incompatible, but both capable of co-existing. In fact you can't really have one without the other. To have agency you need a frame work of consequences that are unchanging. To have an unchanging structure of consequence that aren't just pretty words without power you need people to have the agency to chose them. Shoot at me, I will take aim at you. Not a bad thing, just a consequence of your decision. Hug me, I will hug you back. Agency- consequence. Amazing how this seems to escape most politicians right? But here's the biggest enemy to agency; fear. Fear creates a state of anxiety in which you are willing to give your freedom of agency to another who can no better decide for you your consequences than I can predict the weather tomorrow without looking at the forecast. It sounds good, but how the heck do I know?! Allowing someone to take your agency is not freedom, it's slavery. Pure and simple. Make no mistake about it the people leading you want slaves, not equals. If they wanted equals their pay checks wouldn't be any bigger than yours. This is a serious matter. Which I chose to laugh about while I watch the world circle the drain into oblivion knowing my humble opinion means nothing without he numbers backing it. And since I'm making as much as the rest of you we all know I'm not changing the world anytime soon. All I can do is fill my corner of the world with laughter and the occasional funny observation from Ike to Ike. Hoping that these little rays of sunshine will inspire someone to take back heir agency and fight against the tyranny of accountability without choice.