You're An Idiot- Things I WIsh I could Tell My Future Children.

Sometimes I sit and wonder at the type of children I will leave the world. I think about how they will behave, and how much of that behavior I will have a say in. I wonder if the things that I teach them will be who they become, or if they will run to the opposite end of things just to get away. I wonder at how I will screw them up in totally different ways from the way that My parents screwed me up. Every parent does the best they know how. Inevitably, and without exception, it screws their kids up in some small way. Who will the people I create be? How will they change the world we know? What will they think of me when they're old enough to sit on a laptop and blog about what rattles around in their head? I am the Youngest of 14 siblings. We are a blended family. We are strong,and we are bonded. each of us has a role we play. We have a Diva, a Nerd, a Musician, a Teacher, a Passive Aggressive, a 'Too Honest', a Cutie-Pie, a Jock, a Special, a Golden Child, etc. You get the point. Me; I don't have a place. I've messed up a lot which you would think would make me the "screw-up". But I'm not. That role was taken before I got here. So all in all, I'm the LAST person most people in the family would come to for advice. I don't know anything. Here is what I know: It isn't enough to find a man who CAN take you to the temple. You must find a man who WILL take you to the temple. This world is falling apart, and it isn't going to get any better. Now I'm not saying it's all doom and gloom. I'm saying it can't. Literally. All those times you got told to go clean your room, and you didn't know where to start? you kinda look around, zero in on something cool. . . that's where you start. Suddenly the room is full of junk, and you're cleaning and sorting, and making SO much progress! . . . then you turn around and look at the room. It's a disaster! things get worse before they get better. So it's not getting any better! that means you must have, not only a companion who say's they're willing, but is actually worthy to take you to the temple. It wont make sense for a while. And you will spend MANY hours alone. you will feel like you are worthless because if you had value, or were worth marrying some one would've found you by now right? You'll look at the people who pay attention to you and long for their companionship. It's a trap. The right person is out there feeling just as lonely as you. But if they can't take you to the temple to be sealed for time and all eternity than they were never the person God intended for you. Walk away and be alone. It will be the most miserable time in your life. . . or so you think. I spent a very long time "looking" for Mr. Right. I married the wrong guy because I figured it had to be good enough, and he COULD take me to the temple ... eventually. It ended badly, and lets face it I wasted a lot of time being married to the wrong person. I spent 3 years crying myself to sleep trying to understand why I had to be alone. When all I had ever wanted was to be a mother, I was the one without a husband, or even a boyfriend to give me children! I watched nieces, and cousins, and siblings raise children and complain about the burden. I doted on a dog who had become my only release for my mothering instincts. I prayed harder than I had ever prayed in my life! I tried desperately to understand. I tried dating men who could've taken me to the temple if they wanted to change their lives. They were, and still are, good men! I kept trying to figure out how to "fix" them. I was lonely, I was depressed. I gave up. No really, I gave up. I had stopped researching how to have children without a man. I started researching dog breeding, and the housing market. Talked to a Mortgage Broker in San Diego, Ca about buying a house. Looked at what I was going to need to start a life as a "forever alone" woman. The Crazy Dog lady. That would be my title. I would wear it proudly. I would treat my dogs like children, and let them swim with me, and sleep in my bed, and eat at my table. I was settled with the idea that I would be single. I'm not talking about just saying " ok Lord, you win... I'm ready to be single." and secretly hoping inside you still had a chance. I had given up to a point where I didn't even mention it to him anymore. I just stopped trying. I stopped looking, and I started planning for my life as a Single Woman. I was going to make it! About 2 years into my plan God dropped Kendall into my life. it took me 2 years of hard work to be a self-sufficient, independent woman for Him to believe I meant it. But because I had finally decided not to settle I ended up with a man who not only COULD take me to the temple, but WOULD. And would do so often. Kendall made it a point to go as often as we could. That was more than worth the wait. I can honestly say I would live through the heartache, and misery, and loneliness ( and there was more of that than I could ever fathom communicating), and depression just to have Kendall. I would do it all again, and only change one thing. I would be lonely, and miserable longer. I would forgo the wasted relationships that just prolonged the agony, and get straight into the loneliness and the giving up. Embrace it. Love it and enjoy it. Find comfort in the loneliness by building your relationship with you Father in Heaven. He will teach you what a real man feels like when he enters your home. You will begin to recognize His presence in your life and when the one who is supposed to be your eternal companion walks through your door. . . it'll hit you like a ton of bricks. You'll know him because he knows your Father in Heaven, and it is written on his soul.