Monday, July 13, 2015
The Smell of Skunk, and Pine-sol
I'm not a particularly open human being. I guard some secrets with my life. I've opened up about some of my least favorite life experiences, but I tend to keep the day to day stuff inside the closet. Yeah, I'll very openly talk about a seriously abusive relationship that left me physically, and mentally changed forever. I'll gladly tell you about the bad choices I've made and the fact that I hope no one ever makes my mistakes. Ask me how I feel about being called weird? . . . My silence will suffice. And if you still need an answer I'll write you a story about a little girl who was called weird most of her life. I was very deeply affected by certain things growing up. I keep them to myself. Even my husband doesn't know how I really feel until he reads through a journal entry, or blog post. I don't know how to look someone in the eye and say "I'm not ok. I need help, and I need you to throw me a big party that celebrates everything good about me. Because I don't know what's good about me.". I literally don't know how to deal with the small stuff. Throw me a traumatic event, I got that. Give me the smallest disappointment, I'm completely lost. How do you deal with the fact that you had more friends than you could keep up with, and suddenly everyone will "like" your post on Facebook, but won't come to dinner at your house? How do you reconcile a wedding photo with people who you thought of as family with the fact that you can't even get them to answer a text message. I've been "ghosted" by everyone I called a friend and I'm not really sure what to do with that. I find the whole thing very unsettling. Either way I think the hardest part has been trying to come to grips with the fact that this has happened is that I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to fix it. How do you reach out to people who don't know you? How do you ask for the help your friends should be giving you when you don't have any friends? How do you find anyone that won't think you're looking for attention, or just being negative? Add to this the mental instability of pregnancy hormones you're left wondering if you're actually unstable, or if you're just lonely. You know you're supposed to be nesting, but you're also trying desperately to keep things in a budget because kids aren't cheap. You can't buy things, and there's no one to help you out. Then you try to nest by cleaning the house; only there's a toddler running around dumping dirt, and oatmeal, and rice all over the house. You begin to wonder why you're trying at all. You scrub hard water off a bathroom only to discover that there's another layer under that one. At the point at which you start crying you pick up your phone to call a friend to share your feelings with and have them validate you. Only that's right; you've been ghosted by everyone you could share with. Then you think it's because you're an introvert naturally. Maybe it is. Maybe you should get a hobby. Maybe you should get out and do something. Oh, that's right. You work insane hours, and have a toddler, and you can't afford a sitter. Bottom line, sometimes postpartum doesn't manifest as you wanting to kill yourself, or your children. Sometimes its an inability to figure out how to be the friend you want to be, or how to keep up with your friends who don't have children. And sometimes it costs you every one of the friends you thought you had.