Sacramento is all Leatherby's and Old Town. . . Or So I'm Told.

We all know what a "Man Moment" is. . . But for the men out there who don't; it is those moments when whatever you think is the right answer, you're wrong. You say this thing you think is funny, or cute, or not that big a deal and it turns out to be one of the most insulting things you could have thought. OR!! She's expecting you to read her mind/understand her hints and you miss it completely and end up disappointing her. It happens. They are forgivable moments and as a woman it helps to have a label to put on this inexplicable idiotic behavior. Now that we've got that cleared up: I have moments when because of what The Major did I need help, but I have no idea how to ask for it. I find myself desperately hoping someone will see the inner pain and turmoil and run to my rescue. I pray desperately, through the tears I am crying myself to sleep with, that someone will take over and fight the rest of this battle for me. Or, just simply hold me so I can cry. I am tired. I am very tired. I pretend that I'm not, and I am pretty good at convincing myself of the matter from time to time. Lets face it; I'm not 18 any more. The ability to go non-stop at full speed is not something I can do. So between fighting my personal demons, trying to support people I care for, learning news that is devastating, and maintaining a good working base of medical information in my brain I'm pooped! I don't know how to ask for help. I spent a goodly portion of my life on my own. I hate to say it, but even with 13 siblings I ended up with 'only child' syndrome. I need help. I need someone to tell me to stop, and give me permission to break down. I need to cry, and I need someone to hold me while I do it. These things are both cathartic and healthy! I need someone to tell me to say 'No'. I need someone to hear my silent cries for help and recognize that I can't do this anymore. I need to feel safe falling asleep. I need 6 hours of uninterrupted slumber! I haven't slept through the night in 3 years. I wake up after a short bit from either a nightmare, or a sound that puts me back in a basement. I've only ever trusted one man completely. I know He wont be around forever because no one lives forever, and I was His 'late lamb'. The thought of losing Him scares me silly. It makes me a nervous wreck, and as I realize that the time when He wont be around is getting closer I start freaking out. Now not only do I lose sleep because of The Major, I lose sleep because my Dad wont live forever. Nothing will ever replace Him. He has saved me from myself more than once. Of all the convoluted, painful, irritating, mess of situations that brought Him into the right place to be my Dad I couldn't be more grateful. He is here, and He has always been here when I need Him. So as you get older and suddenly realize your Dad is a Grandpa, and a Great Grandpa is starts to sink in. . . you can fight it, but it hits you. The bond there is undeniable, and no one can ever love you the same. You want to scream at the sky " YOU CAN'T TAKE HIM! I NEED HIM!", but you know it doesn't change a darn thing. Everything that is living must die. It is a PART of living to die! This is scientifically irrefutable. So why bother? I do need Him. I can't keep Him, but I do still need Him. I will ALWAYS need my Dad. But at some point we have to bust out the pull-ups, and move on. Now I recognize that not everyone has this relationship with their Fathers. I have been spoiled in this regard I know. It doesn't change that even if you're not the child feeling this, perhaps you're the Dad a child feels this way about. I have made a mistake tonight I will probably regret for a long time to come. I had someone who would help me through this. Hold me while I cried, and probably would've stayed long enough for me to fall asleep. I decided it was more important for them to get some sleep than it was for me to get help. I gave something I did not have to give, and created a deficit in my ability to be emotionally sound. I gave all the signs I needed and wanted to share. Then shut the offer down because I believed the demand to great, and my deserving of the help to little. Here I sit, pouring out my hurt and pain to an electronic device realizing I will cry myself to sleep once more, and still not feel any better when I wake because I couldn't muster the courage to beg for one night of help. Though my intentions were noble, and of good intention, I have put someone else's wellness above myself and left unable to hold myself together. I have damaged the mental/emotional health of myself, and in so doing put at risk the physical. It is a grave mistake indeed. The worst part is that they are a willing helper. They actually WANT to come to my rescue. I need only ask. . . I unfortunately do not know how to ask. For this I owe the deepest apologies. I am sorry I denied you a chance to serve me because I believed the demands on you to serve others were too great. I set you up for this "Man Moment" and I am sorry. It was cruel, and ungracious of me.