The IT

There is an unsettling truth being exposed in the world. It's not new. It's not unique to this time. It may just now be coming into the collective consciousness, but it has been there under the surface for millennia. The world is shocked, and disgusted. There is a divide happening. It will be stark. You will see names of people you thought were good people. They will be caught up in the landslide. I have known about the darker side of society for years. People will claim that it happens "elsewhere". That it doesn't happen here. That it is confined to third-world countries. Welp! I confess a certain amount of calm while the rest of you are suddenly jerked from your comfortable first-world problems. Welcome to my world. I wasn't a child when I was abused. I was old enough to know better, but too young to know how to get out. Welcome to the knowledge I've held for over ten years. Welcome to the darkness that fuels my humor, and forces me to laugh at what you hold as depraved. Welcome to the underbelly. You will get dirty. Your hands will be covered in the muck of this side of the world. It will seep into your soul, and it will attempt to take over. You have now left neutral ground. You know. You know that there are children being sold in your city. You know that there are parents selling their day old infant to another human being for an adults pleasure. You know that there is someone stalking your facebook page looking for YOUR kids. You know that they are photoshopping images of your perfect little angel so they can sell them to someone who is "age-fluid". You know that these people are protected by big money, and politics. You know that your rights as parents have been undermined, and ripped from you so that they can have more access to your children to groom them for this very moment. YOUR children. Not some nameless parent on the other side of the world. YOUR child. You are no longer on neutral ground. You will chose a side. You will either fight it. Or you will fuel it with complacent turning away. Where do you stand? there is no fence anymore. There is a gaping rift. You are on one side or the other. Do you turn a "blind eye" and allow them to continue to groom your children? Or will you push for the protection of innocence? your hands are dirty. You are part of this. You don't want to be, but you are. You no longer have a choice to remain neutral. Where do you stand? this is not an issue with gray areas. You are either here to protect children, or you are here to exploit them. If anyone was wondering where my abrasive nature comes from; This is where. Once you have seen and left neutral ground there is no going back. I left that, and have been choosing to fight to protect my children. I have fought for my rights as a parent. I have fought for school choice so that parents can choose a school that will not groom them for pedophilia. I have fought for my right to decide that something is inappropriate for the age at which it is being taught. I have fought to keep children clothing children's, and not a miniature version of adult clothing. I have fought to keep children listening to children's songs, and not forcing my adult music onto them. I have fought to keep their minds and imaginations alive with possibilities. I have joked about dark topics to help others see what darkness is out there. I have been crass in my wording to make certain there is no misunderstanding where I stand. I have done many things that others find hard to tolerate. I have flooded social media feeds with my posts about human trafficking. I have annoyed many by my inability to tolerate grooming of children, but my ability to make jokes about the darkness of the evil permeating society. I sit, now, enjoying a moment. A smile that spreads across my face as others have finally taken up the fight, and are exposing the extent of what is IT. Welcome to my world. Welcome to my fight. Take a seat. We are the radicals who know the darkness is there. Who laugh in it's face. Who chase it away with the light of knowledge. Who stand between the children, and those who would hurt them. We are the ones who look at the monster under the bed, and do not flinch. We are the ones willing to learn the hard truth of this evil, and then stand between those who would push it forward and those who would be eaten up in it. We will not let down our guard. We know we can't. I feel a calmness settling in my soul. Welcome.

The Holding Pattern

I had a very candid and open discussion with a client of mine about the feelings involved in social distancing, and shelter-in-place/quarantine. She kept talking about how she felt like she was going crazy. Not losing her mind seeing people, and talking to invisible objects crazy. Just the "I think I might implode. Why am I so irritated? CAN YOU PLEASE STOP DOING THAT!" kind of crazy. Her normal, low-key, easy going self is gone. She feels distressed. She also happens to be a true extrovert. Even people who claim to be extroverts will tell you she's more extrovert than they are. This isolation is literally killing her. Thank heavens she can still come get on my table eh? Well, here's the thing. As I listened I recognized her feelings, and emotions. I did that super rude thing and interrupted. I said this; It feels like you're in this holding pattern of numbness. You know who you were, you know who you're going to be, but right now you're just stuck in this place of not being anything. The look on her face told me I would be forgiven my interruption because I had put words to what it was she was having trouble speaking. It's true. We are all in a state of perpetual depression. It's this holding pattern of functional depression that we know how to fix, but can't. We have no access to the things that will help us fix it. We can't go out and connect with friends. We can't get dressed up and go someplace special. We can't go get a facial, or our hair done, or go to the bar, or gun range, or even work. We are functionally taking care of our basic needs. We are doing things to help us maintain a certain level of health. But we all feel it. The darkness creeping in. We chase it back with feel good news stories, and videos of people learning to live around this new normal. But the darkness is there. Ever present. Waiting for a moment to pull us in. Wrap us in its long, dark, impenetrable mass and swallow us whole. We just keep circling in this holding pattern of twilight. Not truly dark, but not light either. Welcome to the world of functional depression. It's been my life for 6 years. My oldest child is 6 yrs old. It's not her fault, but it was her birth that started the hormonal chaos that has created the depression I've been living. This strange "I just want to be normal" feeling you all are having? This is my life. That "I just need to be able to get some work done!" or " I just cleaned that up!" or "how many times do you eat?" or " you have ANOTHER questions?!" that all you suddenly work from home parents are feeling? I live that. I live it with four delicate, impressionable little humans I made. It is my life. I work from home all the time. I never leave. I have been social distanced for 6 years due to this life of mine. I have no answers on how to keep the darkness at bay. I admit I'm not very good at it. I don't have healthy coping mechanisms for keeping your head above water. I resort to sarcasm, and dark humor, and food. Don't do what I do. They say you should find a hobby. I'm not really certain how to have a hobby if you have more than one child. I Clearly don't know how to do it, I am here with you. Just trying to maintain the holding pattern until I can find a solution. Just know, it's depression you're feeling. Face it with that knowledge. Hold your head high to keep it above the water.Maintain your holding pattern. You can do this. I've been doing it for six years. It's possible to live in this state. Just take one step at a time. Just do the next right step in the sequence of living.