Reinventing the Wheel

I suppose this has been coming for a while. The pent up emotions and feelings that make it almost impossible to function in reality. Keeping this many intense things to yourself makes you a little crazy. At this point there isn’t anything to do but go home. The desire for someplace to put these items permanently is not just a desire it’s a necessity. I can not be here again. I can not spend time giving these devotions to someone and not have it work out. Stress is killing me. Unrequited everything! I am tired of fighting, and I am tired of losing the battles. I can fight no more. My trepidation at laying down my swords comes with the highest of prices. I can not find words to express the deepest sorrow I am faced with, yet as it stands it must be done. The refiners fire is intense and almost painful. I feel like I say it too much, but this can not happen again. I really feel like it’s going to stick this time. Things I wanted to do every other time before don’t seem as exciting. Instead of just going through the motions of the process hoping for a break, or waiting for something magical to happen I’m giving it up. I’m actually considering giving control to someone else. I am scared and terrified and unsure. I am holding my breathe in anxious anticipation of the worst. I have spent years believing that I was a creature of the underworld. Here I stand, judged, weighed in the balance and looking to make amends. Knowing that giving this to my Father is going to be the toughest thing I’ve ever done I can only imagine the affects that will eventually enact upon this stage of life. Honestly terrified doesn’t even begin to express the anxiety that overwhelms me. Trusting this to end well and not trying to act on things myself is never my M.O. This will either kill me or make me. The craziest part is the peace. It’s like standing in the eye of the hurricane. I am watching the winds whip violently around me. I am watching the lightening and the rain, and I am listening to the wind howl around me. I can hear it telling me I wont make it. I can hear it taking everything I love and hold dear away. Yet here in the center everything is calm. It all seems quiet. I can see and hear it all out there, but it doesn’t change this place I presently am. Hoping that this power of peace will follow me through the storm I am about to enter I can only hope my sanity, and my love will be there in the end. I do this for me. Because failure is not an option. I MUST be prepared to meet my God. I can not lose this Love. For me.

Happy

Some people believe happiness to be a very specific moment. You have the job of your dreams, you've got a house with three rooms you don't even use, a dog( or cat), children, trophy spouse, and you go to the best coffee houses, etc. But does this really bring joy? Yes. For some people this is joy. It is an expectation that has been filled. That is all that is required to find joy. To have no unfulfilled expectations. Knowing this I have thought about my expectations. I expect to be loved, I expect to be disappointed from time to time, I expect to have days when I can't stand you but I love you anyway. I expect to be tired beyond belief until I get a vacation. I expect to be completely satisfied by the feeling of your arms around me. I expect to find nothing more pleasurable than your company. I expect to feel joy and happiness at these things and more simple moments. Why? Because to me, this IS good enough. Because this is what I want. Believe that these things do not deserve me, or that I deserve better if you wish. I don't not require nor want better. I want this.

The Show Must Go On

Paint up that pretty face and smile. No one will be the wiser that you have discovered the truth. We are indeed creatures of the underworld. We do not know happiness. We cannot afford to be happy. There are bills to pay and mouths to feed. We achieve nothing by the traditional means. There is no grace sufficient to save us. We sit here in the underworld entertaining those who come to our doors, only to watch them leave. None of them stay, and why should they? If they indeed did so we would be transported by such grace to above our station. Smile a beautiful smile and know that they are want to tell the difference. There is nothing so blind as the intentions of these beings descending their righteous throwns to dabble in our existence. And though, yet, you were once of them they have made clear the stain upon your soul and transparently so are their means by which you are not forgiven. No mention of the wrong having never been committed before nor thereafter. So paint that face up and indulge in the most capricious of play. You will never be more than what some one will pay for you. Whether they pay for the healing of body or mind it makes no difference, they will pay and you will be left. Your goal is to get into a position where they will pay great sums to use you. Then must you clean yourself up and persuade the next to pay the same great sum or more. You will never be forgiven. That has been made clear.

And now,

There are moments in the quiet dead of life, that never make less sense. When we smile through the raindrops and cry through summer's splendor. Than perhaps once more we'll dance, the radio DJ never dedicating the tune. Sing songs that sprun the heartache, forever watching flowers in bloom. Once a time, a time ago, you left nothing behind but your memory. Then danced the scars of tomorrow, the smiles and blessing today. Giving all permission to harvest the memories captured by grace. Twelve steps to the door 4,5,6,7,8 pirouetting the raindrops of hell. Then perhaps once more we'll dance. The radio DJ never dedicating the tune. Sing songs that spurn the heartache forever watching flowers in bloom.

To My Brother Shane,

Shane,

I'm gonna throw a tantrum and you just have to listen. I'm your little sister! You don't get to leave until I've said so! I'm the youngest, I get my way. That's how this works... Just ask anyone and they will tell you it's true. I am not done having you as a part of my life here on earth. I still need my big brother so you don't get to be done here yet. Call it selfish if you want I've never denied that I'm the spoiled one. You've been my friend, my inspiration, my example, my hero, and most importantly. . . My brother. I've decided Shane, you have to stay here with me so I don't have to miss you.

Your youngest little sister,

Deb

Sexuality and the Gender Game

What does it mean to be a man? Well, I can only hope to answer that by knowing what it means to be a woman. There is a great amount of power in being woman. The divine feminine is wonderful. It drives the male aspects of life into action. Wars are won and lost over women. The power they drive into the universe is life giving, and endulgent. It opens the heart, clears the soul, and feels good. It has the power to sway mens minds, and shape the future of the world. Woman is one of the strongest occurances of nature. So what does it actually mean to BE woman? Soft, gentle, caring, loving, emotional, vulnerable. These are all things we assosiate with woman. But can she also be Fire, Ice, Strong? Yes. Woman wears many faces, but none of them so powerful as woman. A true woman has mastered herself and knows the feminine nature of all elements. She enhances those sides of things and in turn demands that the men in her life be Men. This is power.. In it's rawest, ultimate form.

Hara

Hara is not just a place. There is the physical location in the body three tsun below the naval in the center of the body. The place where all movement is supposed to originate. If you allow movement to come from this core in the body You can move longer and father. Hara, however, is far more than just that. It is the center of all movement and therefore not just a physical locale, but a spiritual one as well. We each have a Hara. We each have a place along the spiritual path we're taking that gives us our Hara. Depending on our individual Hara we each move differently. When we move through this location we are more powerful and we move farther. Each of us is in our own journey to discover our Hara and how to move through it. It creates more fluid movements, transitions, and allows movement to reach further than it has before. With our Hara driving us we can do things that would normally wear us out. Hara is not just a physical location at all, but it is more assuredly a phylosophical place as well.