Gooey S'mores & Chili Breath

I'm lost. Somewhere between the size 4 jeans, and the stretchy pants are the only thing that fit; I lost myself. Somewhere between newly married, and the confused sleep deprivation of a mother of multiples I lost myself. Somewhere between "I can totally run that 5k!", and "you want me to do something besides nap?!" I lost myself. Somewhere between the punk/ska, and the child friendly language of a kid's sing-a-long CD I lost myself. Somewhere between the red lipstick, and barely having the energy for a shower I lost myself. Now this isn't a pity party, but it is a realization that My identity is no longer the same. Though I long to be the person who had the energy to dance in the kitchen while I was cleaning, I also realize a lot of that is choice. I CHOSE not to dance in the kitchen with the mop while listening to music with language and messages too mature for my children. I CHOSE to spend time on the floor with them reading books while the housework piles up. I'm beginning to recognize that may not always be the best choice. For now it's a delicate balancing act of my OCD for a clean home battling my desire to give my children quality time. People will tell me that cleaning my home IS showing my children love. Well, have you met my children? They cling to me the way we all wish syran-wrap would stick to the dishes we attempt to cover. Their love language is both quality time, and quality touch. I do what I can with the time I've got, but when I'm up several times a night with teething children, and not drinking caffeine during the day? come on! when they take a nap; I take a nap. I feel the desire to bust out some of the old me. The part of me that could care less. The person who wore bright red lipstick because it was Tuesday. I don't think she's dead just yet. And as my youngest gets a little older I find time to do things like put on jeans instead of stretchy pants. Somedays I even remember the deodorant. I love my children, and I spent years believing that life had passed by the point in which I would get to hold them in my arms. I also love the person I was before. The passion that was my life, the fearless resolve with which I stated my opinions and beliefs. I spend a lot more time pleasing others now. Giving snuggles, giving loves, giving spoonfuls of food, giving the blue cup because the red cup is no longer desired. I even bite my tongue to keep civil relations with people I could honestly care less if they liked me, but I need to play nice with because my Husband needs that relationship. I just think that at some point I'm going to find myself, and everyone is going to have their minds blown when I start acting like myself. I may even become much more organized. Who knows! I can barely put together complete thoughts anymore, but don't you worry! I will get back into a pair of stilettos and red lipstick, and probably some clothes too. I suppose that it's part of being a parent to lose a piece of yourself. I wonder whether I'm doing it wrong. Whether my decision to stop being so much full color version of myself, and more of a muted pastel is worth it. Whether the desire for a more child friendly/age appropriate home has been a wise choice. If I've lost enough of myself that my children will think that the woman who wore whatever she darn well felt like, and had the courage to kick someone's arse with a simple tongue lashing ever really was me. I wonder if I've given up a part of who I was that made my husband fall in love with me. I question whether I let myself go so far that I got lost along the way? Perhaps it's time to reclaim some of that person. Perhaps, much as I discovered when trying to be a bank manager, I just don't fit into these shoes. Perhaps I really just need to stand in the shower for 20 minutes, and sing my heart out, and let the kids play in the toilet water while I actually put lotion on myself. Maybe I need to spend a little more time shaving my legs, and a little less time crawling around on the floor. While I justify letting myself get lost because I'm attempting to make sure I don't raise children who are self entitled jerks. . . I may be missing the point, and my mind. Maybe it's all just a crap shoot, and it won't make a difference in the end that I bothered.

Hello My Lovelies

So, it's been a while. A long while. As I sit here thinking about everything that's happened I wonder what it is that makes some people tick. I wonder why some people make the choices they do. For example, A good manager can either make or break the team. They motivate the staff to be better than they used to be. They may not be the best with the paperwork, but they keep everyone excited to be at work. Not bouncing off the wall but satisfied. They want to come to work each day because they genuinely believe that their manager cares about them as an individual. Not just the numbers on the quarterly statement, but the individual. That having been said, some people choose the paperwork over the employee. I have learned that this is not a good choice if you intend to hang onto your employees and you are in a high turn over market ( i.e. massage therapy). I am also wondering why my dog still loves me. I am probably one of the laziest human beings out there. How I have managed to stay under 300lbs can only be explained by the fact that my metabolism has not been affected by child birth. My dog clearly would like me to move more than I do. That's not really happening. Yet here she sits, next to me on the couch. Patiently waiting for me to get the motivation to move. I pet her, scratch her, love on her, but I know she wants to run. Again, what posseses her to love me inspite of my clear lack of consideration for her breed's need to run. I tell myself shes just too old to run away. I know my brother would laugh and correct me. Which is probably why we've never discussed this.
I have accepted that it's time to start a private practice. I love not having to deal with paperwork, but I'm at this cross road where if I don't jump now I know that I will be pushed off this ledge by the Powers That Be. I've had several things upset and uproot my routine as of late. I was given a calling in my church, and I've been given the opportunity to share what I have learned with my fellow single adults. I had a relationship fall apart after doing everything concievable to make it work. I have lost family dear and close. I have lost friends, and I have some how managed to gain 10lbs. . . Yes I'm going to blame my brother-in-law who happens to be a chef. Cruse him and his holiday cooking which is so scrumptious! Point being here we go. Into the wild blue yonder. . .
You would think that I would learn after all these years that the best way to make a decision is not to look at why other people make that choice, but why would I make that choice. Good luck with that. (Makaio is looking at me like she's annoyed and might try to eat me.)Try as I might I am still looking for reasons to do things. I feel like my compass has never really had a North. When everyone else has awesome motivations for getting in shape, or to get that degree, or to date that human being, or to join that cause, or to do anything. I am not motivated to do ANYthing. I don't care what it is. Just tell me what to do so I can finish it up. ( She finally stopped staring at me. . . I think she's pissed.) I think I've actually given up on a lot of the things I wanted as a younger person. The family, the house, the husband, the lack of stress, done. There's a lot of stuff I thought I could still get, but at some point you just have to accept that regardless of how much you want that it's not meant to be yours.
We talk about Abrahamic sacrifices as a moment in time. Perhaps mine is not just a moment, but an entire life. Talk about a hard pill to swallow eh? better get those gag reflexes under control for this one.
( ok, I better at least give Makaio a massage. She's earned it.)

Bottom Line Up Front? I'm starting a Private Practice.
Be awesome my Lovelies. ( and Jack if you're reading this you owe me an email dude.you're lazier than I am in that area.)

Reinventing the Wheel

I suppose this has been coming for a while. The pent up emotions and feelings that make it almost impossible to function in reality. Keeping this many intense things to yourself makes you a little crazy. At this point there isn’t anything to do but go home. The desire for someplace to put these items permanently is not just a desire it’s a necessity. I can not be here again. I can not spend time giving these devotions to someone and not have it work out. Stress is killing me. Unrequited everything! I am tired of fighting, and I am tired of losing the battles. I can fight no more. My trepidation at laying down my swords comes with the highest of prices. I can not find words to express the deepest sorrow I am faced with, yet as it stands it must be done. The refiners fire is intense and almost painful. I feel like I say it too much, but this can not happen again. I really feel like it’s going to stick this time. Things I wanted to do every other time before don’t seem as exciting. Instead of just going through the motions of the process hoping for a break, or waiting for something magical to happen I’m giving it up. I’m actually considering giving control to someone else. I am scared and terrified and unsure. I am holding my breathe in anxious anticipation of the worst. I have spent years believing that I was a creature of the underworld. Here I stand, judged, weighed in the balance and looking to make amends. Knowing that giving this to my Father is going to be the toughest thing I’ve ever done I can only imagine the affects that will eventually enact upon this stage of life. Honestly terrified doesn’t even begin to express the anxiety that overwhelms me. Trusting this to end well and not trying to act on things myself is never my M.O. This will either kill me or make me. The craziest part is the peace. It’s like standing in the eye of the hurricane. I am watching the winds whip violently around me. I am watching the lightening and the rain, and I am listening to the wind howl around me. I can hear it telling me I wont make it. I can hear it taking everything I love and hold dear away. Yet here in the center everything is calm. It all seems quiet. I can see and hear it all out there, but it doesn’t change this place I presently am. Hoping that this power of peace will follow me through the storm I am about to enter I can only hope my sanity, and my love will be there in the end. I do this for me. Because failure is not an option. I MUST be prepared to meet my God. I can not lose this Love. For me.