The "Girl Who Was Kidnapped"

I was watching a video on Facebook (I know, I know) in which Elizabeth Smart said that during her abduction she couldn't believe that someone could be that evil. That when presented with the fact that she would be consummating a marriage she didn't consent to, and had not been aware was even going to happen she couldn't believe He really meant it. THIS is a problem. If you are so focused on getting your children to feel safe, and happy that you have neglected to teach them that there is REAL evil in the world; shame on you. I have walked away from the darkest underbelly of the universe. I have seen the evil she saw. I have absolutely no qualms in telling my children, as young as they are, that there are tricky people out there who want to hurt them. Who want to do unspeakable things to them. I am trying to keep them safe, and I am trying to help them learn to keep themselves safe. . . But those people exist. Every time we talk about the good in the world it has been prefaced with the evil. I refuse to let my children grow up believing that evil exists someplace outside of our world. That it "won't happen here". That that type of thing happens to other people, and not to us. I wish that I could find the video and quote her exactly on this point. It's a crucial moment in her story. It's so important. People focus on all these other details. The things that were used in the case, the things that people did to find her, the reasons she was targeted. While these are indeed instrumental parts of the story they are not what I would consider a crucial detail. I consider it a pivotal, and crucial part of her story that she could not believe that anyone could be that evil. Meaning, in her 12yr old mind, the most evil people were portrayed in history books and far off places. I'm not against protecting children from horrible situations. I would not recommend exposing them to things that are not age appropriate, but you can prepare them for the idea that evil is not a world away, or something that exists in the past. They can understand that tricky people want to hurt them without having to know the gory, unsettling details. I just struggle to understand how a child of 12 can go through life not knowing that people are THAT evil. That they exist today, now, in this moment. They exist in our neighborhoods. They exist in our homes sometimes. They walk past our schools, shopping centers, and homes. They seem like normal people, and they seem like the crazy person who makes you think twice while walking to your car. You can NOT ignore the fact that to truly prepare your child to be the good in the world they MUST know that the evil is real. It is knocking on their door. The only defense is to recognize it so you can stand against it. Children prepared for the world around them don't just have a degree, or creative problem solving skills. They can see the evil of the world, and have the courage to stand against it. To do good deeds, and act when evil would swallow them whole.

A Controversy Waiting for the Storm of Comments.

SO! while listening to frozen for the millionth time I was struck by the message about mental illness that appears moderately hidden. In the scene where Anna finally finds Elsa in the ice castle and they do the singing back and forth... think about whats happening; Elsa is having an anxiety attack/mental break down/depressive episode/whatever your mental illness is issue. She's been conditioned to be ashamed of her mental illness. So she's doing a lot of self-talk, and not at all listening to Anna. although she is very much aware of Anna's presence she is completely ignoring what Anna is saying/communicating. No really. Watch it. It's like Anna isn't even singing. Then there's Anna. confronting a mental illness she didn't know her sister had until recently. She has never faced a mental illness before. She has literally NO idea what she's doing, but she's attempting to tell Elsa that she is loved, and wanted, and most importantly not alone. She is literally walking towards Elsa with out stretched arms in an attempt to help. She WANTS to help. Her efforts are unrecognized, but she persists. the entire time using calming, loving language both physically and verbally. She gets struck by ice, the movie moves on. The thing that struck me was how often I have listened/watched this scene and thought "dude, if Elsa would just shut up she'd figure it out!".... but that's just it. In the throws of your mental illness you CAN'T just shut-up the self-talk and listen. Your brain is hardwired to NOT listen. There could be a bullhorn pressed against your ear at full volume, and you wouldn't be able to hear a thing being said. And that is in no way your fault. Let me repeat that; Not being able to hear those who love you tell you that very thing is NOT your fault. You're too tired to hear us, and we know that. We just want you to know that we're tired too. We're not giving up, we're just sitting with you... tired. It's exhausting for BOTH parties. It's exhausting to try and function with a mental illness. It's exhausting to NOT function with a mental illness. To be left physically unable to carry on the basic life sustaining functions. It is also exhausting to constantly be reaching out with love to someone who can't hear you. Some of us trying to help those who have mental illnesses are just as tired as you are. and we are not unaware. We're just not being listened to. No one is wrong, or at fault. It is the unfortunate nature of the beast that is mental illness. We recognize that fact and we still reach out. We're trying to help you. We want you to "come down the mountain TOGETHER..". We want you to take part in the world and society with us. It's why it's so important for more than one person to reach out if possible. Because eventually someone CAN drown out the self-talk. Olaf eventually was able to reach Elsa. It didn't change Anna's love for her sister, or how much she supported her, but it did make a difference in that it helped Elsa to stop and listen to Anna. We all just have to find that person who can drown out our self-talk so we can hear all the people trying to love us. I've seen a lot of those "what people with anxiety want you to know", or "what people with depression want you to know" posts on social media. Well let me give you another one. What people who DON'T have a mental illness want you to know: -We're aware you're suffering. You're not "yourself", and we know it. -When we say "it's ok", we don't mean that you're ok and you should stop having your illness. We're saying "it's ok to not be ok. I'm here for you no matter what."(yes, we suck with our words in the moment.) -We're kinda tired of the world assuming we're unaware that mental illness is a big deal, and a real issue. We know it is. We just don't have it, and have never had it, and will probably never experience it so we can't read your mind. Or body language. Or social disassociation. It's not within our power to logic that. If you don't tell us you have anxiety we have very little clue that standing at your front door with a surprise would cause you to have an anxiety attack. We thought it would be a fun surprise. -We love you. We want to love you. We want you to listen to us love you, instead of your negative self-talk. -we're not perfect either. We're going to make mistakes in dealing with you, and mental illness. (see above comment about not having it.). We're willing to keep trying, but you have to let us. You have to "shut-up and listen Elsa!", or none of our efforts will mean a thing. -We're tired too. And that's ok. Now don't think I'm all up on my high horse because I'm perfect. Far from it. I've got my own mental illness I'm dealing with, AND postpartum depression. These are thoughts that I have had while not in the throws of my illness. When I'm not being controlled by it, I have seen THIS. That those around me are trying SO hard to help me. I've just learned to tune them out, and tune the set-talk in. And of course none of these "what people with (fill in the blank) want you to know" posts cover the unique needs and reactions, etc of everyone. For all I know there are people out there who could care less about mental illness. Typically though, if you're living with mental illness ( I refuse to say suffering. It feeds the negative self-talk. I won't feed that monster.) those around you are trying to reach out and love you. They just need a little more direct coaching on how to help YOU. They need the directions on what helps you. Because lets be honest; mental illness is not a "one size fits all" thing. We all live with it differently, have different triggers, respond to different things. Be kind to those trying to reach you. Look for them. They're there. And they are tired too. Sit down, lean on each other, and rest together for a while. Then you'll both have the energy to stand and fight the beast together.

Hello My Lovelies

So, it's been a while. A long while. As I sit here thinking about everything that's happened I wonder what it is that makes some people tick. I wonder why some people make the choices they do. For example, A good manager can either make or break the team. They motivate the staff to be better than they used to be. They may not be the best with the paperwork, but they keep everyone excited to be at work. Not bouncing off the wall but satisfied. They want to come to work each day because they genuinely believe that their manager cares about them as an individual. Not just the numbers on the quarterly statement, but the individual. That having been said, some people choose the paperwork over the employee. I have learned that this is not a good choice if you intend to hang onto your employees and you are in a high turn over market ( i.e. massage therapy). I am also wondering why my dog still loves me. I am probably one of the laziest human beings out there. How I have managed to stay under 300lbs can only be explained by the fact that my metabolism has not been affected by child birth. My dog clearly would like me to move more than I do. That's not really happening. Yet here she sits, next to me on the couch. Patiently waiting for me to get the motivation to move. I pet her, scratch her, love on her, but I know she wants to run. Again, what posseses her to love me inspite of my clear lack of consideration for her breed's need to run. I tell myself shes just too old to run away. I know my brother would laugh and correct me. Which is probably why we've never discussed this.
I have accepted that it's time to start a private practice. I love not having to deal with paperwork, but I'm at this cross road where if I don't jump now I know that I will be pushed off this ledge by the Powers That Be. I've had several things upset and uproot my routine as of late. I was given a calling in my church, and I've been given the opportunity to share what I have learned with my fellow single adults. I had a relationship fall apart after doing everything concievable to make it work. I have lost family dear and close. I have lost friends, and I have some how managed to gain 10lbs. . . Yes I'm going to blame my brother-in-law who happens to be a chef. Cruse him and his holiday cooking which is so scrumptious! Point being here we go. Into the wild blue yonder. . .
You would think that I would learn after all these years that the best way to make a decision is not to look at why other people make that choice, but why would I make that choice. Good luck with that. (Makaio is looking at me like she's annoyed and might try to eat me.)Try as I might I am still looking for reasons to do things. I feel like my compass has never really had a North. When everyone else has awesome motivations for getting in shape, or to get that degree, or to date that human being, or to join that cause, or to do anything. I am not motivated to do ANYthing. I don't care what it is. Just tell me what to do so I can finish it up. ( She finally stopped staring at me. . . I think she's pissed.) I think I've actually given up on a lot of the things I wanted as a younger person. The family, the house, the husband, the lack of stress, done. There's a lot of stuff I thought I could still get, but at some point you just have to accept that regardless of how much you want that it's not meant to be yours.
We talk about Abrahamic sacrifices as a moment in time. Perhaps mine is not just a moment, but an entire life. Talk about a hard pill to swallow eh? better get those gag reflexes under control for this one.
( ok, I better at least give Makaio a massage. She's earned it.)

Bottom Line Up Front? I'm starting a Private Practice.
Be awesome my Lovelies. ( and Jack if you're reading this you owe me an email dude.you're lazier than I am in that area.)