The Show Must Go On

Paint up that pretty face and smile. No one will be the wiser that you have discovered the truth. We are indeed creatures of the underworld. We do not know happiness. We cannot afford to be happy. There are bills to pay and mouths to feed. We achieve nothing by the traditional means. There is no grace sufficient to save us. We sit here in the underworld entertaining those who come to our doors, only to watch them leave. None of them stay, and why should they? If they indeed did so we would be transported by such grace to above our station. Smile a beautiful smile and know that they are want to tell the difference. There is nothing so blind as the intentions of these beings descending their righteous throwns to dabble in our existence. And though, yet, you were once of them they have made clear the stain upon your soul and transparently so are their means by which you are not forgiven. No mention of the wrong having never been committed before nor thereafter. So paint that face up and indulge in the most capricious of play. You will never be more than what some one will pay for you. Whether they pay for the healing of body or mind it makes no difference, they will pay and you will be left. Your goal is to get into a position where they will pay great sums to use you. Then must you clean yourself up and persuade the next to pay the same great sum or more. You will never be forgiven. That has been made clear.

And now,

There are moments in the quiet dead of life, that never make less sense. When we smile through the raindrops and cry through summer's splendor. Than perhaps once more we'll dance, the radio DJ never dedicating the tune. Sing songs that sprun the heartache, forever watching flowers in bloom. Once a time, a time ago, you left nothing behind but your memory. Then danced the scars of tomorrow, the smiles and blessing today. Giving all permission to harvest the memories captured by grace. Twelve steps to the door 4,5,6,7,8 pirouetting the raindrops of hell. Then perhaps once more we'll dance. The radio DJ never dedicating the tune. Sing songs that spurn the heartache forever watching flowers in bloom.

To My Brother Shane,

Shane,

I'm gonna throw a tantrum and you just have to listen. I'm your little sister! You don't get to leave until I've said so! I'm the youngest, I get my way. That's how this works... Just ask anyone and they will tell you it's true. I am not done having you as a part of my life here on earth. I still need my big brother so you don't get to be done here yet. Call it selfish if you want I've never denied that I'm the spoiled one. You've been my friend, my inspiration, my example, my hero, and most importantly. . . My brother. I've decided Shane, you have to stay here with me so I don't have to miss you.

Your youngest little sister,

Deb

Sexuality and the Gender Game

What does it mean to be a man? Well, I can only hope to answer that by knowing what it means to be a woman. There is a great amount of power in being woman. The divine feminine is wonderful. It drives the male aspects of life into action. Wars are won and lost over women. The power they drive into the universe is life giving, and endulgent. It opens the heart, clears the soul, and feels good. It has the power to sway mens minds, and shape the future of the world. Woman is one of the strongest occurances of nature. So what does it actually mean to BE woman? Soft, gentle, caring, loving, emotional, vulnerable. These are all things we assosiate with woman. But can she also be Fire, Ice, Strong? Yes. Woman wears many faces, but none of them so powerful as woman. A true woman has mastered herself and knows the feminine nature of all elements. She enhances those sides of things and in turn demands that the men in her life be Men. This is power.. In it's rawest, ultimate form.

Hara

Hara is not just a place. There is the physical location in the body three tsun below the naval in the center of the body. The place where all movement is supposed to originate. If you allow movement to come from this core in the body You can move longer and father. Hara, however, is far more than just that. It is the center of all movement and therefore not just a physical locale, but a spiritual one as well. We each have a Hara. We each have a place along the spiritual path we're taking that gives us our Hara. Depending on our individual Hara we each move differently. When we move through this location we are more powerful and we move farther. Each of us is in our own journey to discover our Hara and how to move through it. It creates more fluid movements, transitions, and allows movement to reach further than it has before. With our Hara driving us we can do things that would normally wear us out. Hara is not just a physical location at all, but it is more assuredly a phylosophical place as well.

It's Been a While

I figured I should journal out some things since it's been a while. I went to the doctor today. Took me a week to get an apointment with Beale AFB. But I finally fixed it. Like everything else in my life if I don't do it, it'll never happen. I had to have some blood work done because I dropped 30lbs in a week. Aparently that's not normal. I have no apetite. I mean I still want a hamburger, but I couldn't actually eat one. I put food in my mouth and it makes me gag. And if I get it into my stomach it doesn't stay there long. They tested and came back with elevated thyroid levels. Add to this the skin condition I've been dealing with and the nerve sensitivity. I feel like a basket case. I have always known there was something wrong, that I was slightly sick. Now to have a name to put on it? Wow. This might be a little more than I Had hoped to deal with right now. My life would seem to be ripping at the seams like some old linen dress worn to one too many parties. Thin, and thread worn it barely holds on for dear life. As it moves and sways it can't hardly keep it self together, but some how manages to get thrown in the closet one last time. I wonder if there's still any life left in these threads. Will they be able to hang on for one more wear?

Oh! You Piss Me Off!!

I am not fond of people being indirect. There is a difference between indirect and descrete. Do not confuse the two. That much will cost you an arm, a leg, and most likely your soul. Not because I am distinctly evil, but because I will always know exactly what buttons to push to push you away. The real question is are you willing to fight back? Do you have the constitution, and fortitude to know that what I'm doing is protecting that piece of me I tried to give someone once. I can't tell you why it is this way. I know that I'm always the one who say's that scars tell us where we've been and not where we're going, but the reality is that I still feel them. You can either accept that, or move on. It's up to you. I am not one for ultimatums, but we're dealing with my future here and I feel I have the right to voice my opinion. Your conduct is unacceptable. Not just for me, some of it socially. I just can't deal with this any other way than logical. I'm sorry if that's unacceptable but it's where I am right now. Love me or leave me, I own this.