The IT

There is an unsettling truth being exposed in the world. It's not new. It's not unique to this time. It may just now be coming into the collective consciousness, but it has been there under the surface for millennia. The world is shocked, and disgusted. There is a divide happening. It will be stark. You will see names of people you thought were good people. They will be caught up in the landslide. I have known about the darker side of society for years. People will claim that it happens "elsewhere". That it doesn't happen here. That it is confined to third-world countries. Welp! I confess a certain amount of calm while the rest of you are suddenly jerked from your comfortable first-world problems. Welcome to my world. I wasn't a child when I was abused. I was old enough to know better, but too young to know how to get out. Welcome to the knowledge I've held for over ten years. Welcome to the darkness that fuels my humor, and forces me to laugh at what you hold as depraved. Welcome to the underbelly. You will get dirty. Your hands will be covered in the muck of this side of the world. It will seep into your soul, and it will attempt to take over. You have now left neutral ground. You know. You know that there are children being sold in your city. You know that there are parents selling their day old infant to another human being for an adults pleasure. You know that there is someone stalking your facebook page looking for YOUR kids. You know that they are photoshopping images of your perfect little angel so they can sell them to someone who is "age-fluid". You know that these people are protected by big money, and politics. You know that your rights as parents have been undermined, and ripped from you so that they can have more access to your children to groom them for this very moment. YOUR children. Not some nameless parent on the other side of the world. YOUR child. You are no longer on neutral ground. You will chose a side. You will either fight it. Or you will fuel it with complacent turning away. Where do you stand? there is no fence anymore. There is a gaping rift. You are on one side or the other. Do you turn a "blind eye" and allow them to continue to groom your children? Or will you push for the protection of innocence? your hands are dirty. You are part of this. You don't want to be, but you are. You no longer have a choice to remain neutral. Where do you stand? this is not an issue with gray areas. You are either here to protect children, or you are here to exploit them. If anyone was wondering where my abrasive nature comes from; This is where. Once you have seen and left neutral ground there is no going back. I left that, and have been choosing to fight to protect my children. I have fought for my rights as a parent. I have fought for school choice so that parents can choose a school that will not groom them for pedophilia. I have fought for my right to decide that something is inappropriate for the age at which it is being taught. I have fought to keep children clothing children's, and not a miniature version of adult clothing. I have fought to keep children listening to children's songs, and not forcing my adult music onto them. I have fought to keep their minds and imaginations alive with possibilities. I have joked about dark topics to help others see what darkness is out there. I have been crass in my wording to make certain there is no misunderstanding where I stand. I have done many things that others find hard to tolerate. I have flooded social media feeds with my posts about human trafficking. I have annoyed many by my inability to tolerate grooming of children, but my ability to make jokes about the darkness of the evil permeating society. I sit, now, enjoying a moment. A smile that spreads across my face as others have finally taken up the fight, and are exposing the extent of what is IT. Welcome to my world. Welcome to my fight. Take a seat. We are the radicals who know the darkness is there. Who laugh in it's face. Who chase it away with the light of knowledge. Who stand between the children, and those who would hurt them. We are the ones who look at the monster under the bed, and do not flinch. We are the ones willing to learn the hard truth of this evil, and then stand between those who would push it forward and those who would be eaten up in it. We will not let down our guard. We know we can't. I feel a calmness settling in my soul. Welcome.

The Holding Pattern

I had a very candid and open discussion with a client of mine about the feelings involved in social distancing, and shelter-in-place/quarantine. She kept talking about how she felt like she was going crazy. Not losing her mind seeing people, and talking to invisible objects crazy. Just the "I think I might implode. Why am I so irritated? CAN YOU PLEASE STOP DOING THAT!" kind of crazy. Her normal, low-key, easy going self is gone. She feels distressed. She also happens to be a true extrovert. Even people who claim to be extroverts will tell you she's more extrovert than they are. This isolation is literally killing her. Thank heavens she can still come get on my table eh? Well, here's the thing. As I listened I recognized her feelings, and emotions. I did that super rude thing and interrupted. I said this; It feels like you're in this holding pattern of numbness. You know who you were, you know who you're going to be, but right now you're just stuck in this place of not being anything. The look on her face told me I would be forgiven my interruption because I had put words to what it was she was having trouble speaking. It's true. We are all in a state of perpetual depression. It's this holding pattern of functional depression that we know how to fix, but can't. We have no access to the things that will help us fix it. We can't go out and connect with friends. We can't get dressed up and go someplace special. We can't go get a facial, or our hair done, or go to the bar, or gun range, or even work. We are functionally taking care of our basic needs. We are doing things to help us maintain a certain level of health. But we all feel it. The darkness creeping in. We chase it back with feel good news stories, and videos of people learning to live around this new normal. But the darkness is there. Ever present. Waiting for a moment to pull us in. Wrap us in its long, dark, impenetrable mass and swallow us whole. We just keep circling in this holding pattern of twilight. Not truly dark, but not light either. Welcome to the world of functional depression. It's been my life for 6 years. My oldest child is 6 yrs old. It's not her fault, but it was her birth that started the hormonal chaos that has created the depression I've been living. This strange "I just want to be normal" feeling you all are having? This is my life. That "I just need to be able to get some work done!" or " I just cleaned that up!" or "how many times do you eat?" or " you have ANOTHER questions?!" that all you suddenly work from home parents are feeling? I live that. I live it with four delicate, impressionable little humans I made. It is my life. I work from home all the time. I never leave. I have been social distanced for 6 years due to this life of mine. I have no answers on how to keep the darkness at bay. I admit I'm not very good at it. I don't have healthy coping mechanisms for keeping your head above water. I resort to sarcasm, and dark humor, and food. Don't do what I do. They say you should find a hobby. I'm not really certain how to have a hobby if you have more than one child. I Clearly don't know how to do it, I am here with you. Just trying to maintain the holding pattern until I can find a solution. Just know, it's depression you're feeling. Face it with that knowledge. Hold your head high to keep it above the water.Maintain your holding pattern. You can do this. I've been doing it for six years. It's possible to live in this state. Just take one step at a time. Just do the next right step in the sequence of living.

The "Girl Who Was Kidnapped"

I was watching a video on Facebook (I know, I know) in which Elizabeth Smart said that during her abduction she couldn't believe that someone could be that evil. That when presented with the fact that she would be consummating a marriage she didn't consent to, and had not been aware was even going to happen she couldn't believe He really meant it. THIS is a problem. If you are so focused on getting your children to feel safe, and happy that you have neglected to teach them that there is REAL evil in the world; shame on you. I have walked away from the darkest underbelly of the universe. I have seen the evil she saw. I have absolutely no qualms in telling my children, as young as they are, that there are tricky people out there who want to hurt them. Who want to do unspeakable things to them. I am trying to keep them safe, and I am trying to help them learn to keep themselves safe. . . But those people exist. Every time we talk about the good in the world it has been prefaced with the evil. I refuse to let my children grow up believing that evil exists someplace outside of our world. That it "won't happen here". That that type of thing happens to other people, and not to us. I wish that I could find the video and quote her exactly on this point. It's a crucial moment in her story. It's so important. People focus on all these other details. The things that were used in the case, the things that people did to find her, the reasons she was targeted. While these are indeed instrumental parts of the story they are not what I would consider a crucial detail. I consider it a pivotal, and crucial part of her story that she could not believe that anyone could be that evil. Meaning, in her 12yr old mind, the most evil people were portrayed in history books and far off places. I'm not against protecting children from horrible situations. I would not recommend exposing them to things that are not age appropriate, but you can prepare them for the idea that evil is not a world away, or something that exists in the past. They can understand that tricky people want to hurt them without having to know the gory, unsettling details. I just struggle to understand how a child of 12 can go through life not knowing that people are THAT evil. That they exist today, now, in this moment. They exist in our neighborhoods. They exist in our homes sometimes. They walk past our schools, shopping centers, and homes. They seem like normal people, and they seem like the crazy person who makes you think twice while walking to your car. You can NOT ignore the fact that to truly prepare your child to be the good in the world they MUST know that the evil is real. It is knocking on their door. The only defense is to recognize it so you can stand against it. Children prepared for the world around them don't just have a degree, or creative problem solving skills. They can see the evil of the world, and have the courage to stand against it. To do good deeds, and act when evil would swallow them whole.

Stop Saying That. Just Stop.

You know what one of the most condescending, irritatingly insulting things I've had someone say to me is? "You're going to miss this stage. Just wait."... NO! I will not miss it one blasted bit! I love my children dearly, but YOU don't live in my house everyday. You want to know how many times my 4yr old told me she hated me today? I don't know either. I lost count after 25. EVERY DAY! I go through this EVERY day. I have to fight with my children about putting clothes on. I fight with them about eating something besides candy. I fight with them about the fact that I didn't buy the fancy over priced fruity whatever-it-is because I think we should save some money for their clothes! I'm a monster who ruins everyday because I refuse to cave to the rest of the world and raise jerks. I have been told countless times that I ruined all the fun. I'm mean, not fun, and they hate me. Believe me, they let me know every chance they get. Do you know what that does to your self-esteem? I know, I know... "You shouldn't let a 4yr old dictate your self worth."... I don't care WHO you are. If ANYone tells you that they hate you multiple times a day EVERY day. You're going to feel the ding to your self esteem. only a heartless bastard would not feel a ding to their self worth after listening to that for 2-3 years. So don't tell me I will miss this. Don't tell me I'm going to wake-up, they'll be grown and I'll look back and be all "aww I miss when they were little.". I will absolutely NOT miss this. I won't miss dealing with a fight on every issue. I won't miss the crying, or the complaining, or the lack of ANYthing I do being good enough. That's what it's like when you're a parent to small humans who can't logic. NOTHING you do is good enough. Ever. They look at you like "and? why should I be grateful for this?". Don't tell me I will miss this. YOU miss this. I do not. Stop trying to be supportive by telling me how much YOU miss this. Some of us didn't have children who constantly told us they loved us. Some of us didn't have children who wanted to learn to dress themselves, or be obedient for more than 30 seconds. Some of us have children who are so difficult their teachers feel sorry for us; because they know we're trying, but the child is just that difficult. Some of us didn't raise our children when you could give them a swat on the bum for misbehaving, or wash their mouth out with soap for talking back. Some of us are trying to raise functional children who won't grow up to be entitled jerks; while simultaneously attempting to not go to jail for child abuse because EVERYone knows that kids should never be physically punished. Stop telling a mom in the middle of a crisis that she'll miss the crisis situation. No one misses this. What you think we'll miss is that same stupid naive expectation we imagined before we delivered our first child. That's not reality. So stop telling me I'm going to miss that fantasy you've created in your memories. I'm far to practical for that. I don't have time for that. I have to go tell two little girls to go to bed. Again. Then I have to listen to them yell at me and tell me how much they hate me. Again. Because this is the routine. Until everyone is asleep. Then I'll get about 30-45 minutes of sleep before the baby wakes up and needs me. Again. So take your "you're going to miss this." and burry it with all the other dead hopes and dreams you left behind.

A Controversy Waiting for the Storm of Comments.

SO! while listening to frozen for the millionth time I was struck by the message about mental illness that appears moderately hidden. In the scene where Anna finally finds Elsa in the ice castle and they do the singing back and forth... think about whats happening; Elsa is having an anxiety attack/mental break down/depressive episode/whatever your mental illness is issue. She's been conditioned to be ashamed of her mental illness. So she's doing a lot of self-talk, and not at all listening to Anna. although she is very much aware of Anna's presence she is completely ignoring what Anna is saying/communicating. No really. Watch it. It's like Anna isn't even singing. Then there's Anna. confronting a mental illness she didn't know her sister had until recently. She has never faced a mental illness before. She has literally NO idea what she's doing, but she's attempting to tell Elsa that she is loved, and wanted, and most importantly not alone. She is literally walking towards Elsa with out stretched arms in an attempt to help. She WANTS to help. Her efforts are unrecognized, but she persists. the entire time using calming, loving language both physically and verbally. She gets struck by ice, the movie moves on. The thing that struck me was how often I have listened/watched this scene and thought "dude, if Elsa would just shut up she'd figure it out!".... but that's just it. In the throws of your mental illness you CAN'T just shut-up the self-talk and listen. Your brain is hardwired to NOT listen. There could be a bullhorn pressed against your ear at full volume, and you wouldn't be able to hear a thing being said. And that is in no way your fault. Let me repeat that; Not being able to hear those who love you tell you that very thing is NOT your fault. You're too tired to hear us, and we know that. We just want you to know that we're tired too. We're not giving up, we're just sitting with you... tired. It's exhausting for BOTH parties. It's exhausting to try and function with a mental illness. It's exhausting to NOT function with a mental illness. To be left physically unable to carry on the basic life sustaining functions. It is also exhausting to constantly be reaching out with love to someone who can't hear you. Some of us trying to help those who have mental illnesses are just as tired as you are. and we are not unaware. We're just not being listened to. No one is wrong, or at fault. It is the unfortunate nature of the beast that is mental illness. We recognize that fact and we still reach out. We're trying to help you. We want you to "come down the mountain TOGETHER..". We want you to take part in the world and society with us. It's why it's so important for more than one person to reach out if possible. Because eventually someone CAN drown out the self-talk. Olaf eventually was able to reach Elsa. It didn't change Anna's love for her sister, or how much she supported her, but it did make a difference in that it helped Elsa to stop and listen to Anna. We all just have to find that person who can drown out our self-talk so we can hear all the people trying to love us. I've seen a lot of those "what people with anxiety want you to know", or "what people with depression want you to know" posts on social media. Well let me give you another one. What people who DON'T have a mental illness want you to know: -We're aware you're suffering. You're not "yourself", and we know it. -When we say "it's ok", we don't mean that you're ok and you should stop having your illness. We're saying "it's ok to not be ok. I'm here for you no matter what."(yes, we suck with our words in the moment.) -We're kinda tired of the world assuming we're unaware that mental illness is a big deal, and a real issue. We know it is. We just don't have it, and have never had it, and will probably never experience it so we can't read your mind. Or body language. Or social disassociation. It's not within our power to logic that. If you don't tell us you have anxiety we have very little clue that standing at your front door with a surprise would cause you to have an anxiety attack. We thought it would be a fun surprise. -We love you. We want to love you. We want you to listen to us love you, instead of your negative self-talk. -we're not perfect either. We're going to make mistakes in dealing with you, and mental illness. (see above comment about not having it.). We're willing to keep trying, but you have to let us. You have to "shut-up and listen Elsa!", or none of our efforts will mean a thing. -We're tired too. And that's ok. Now don't think I'm all up on my high horse because I'm perfect. Far from it. I've got my own mental illness I'm dealing with, AND postpartum depression. These are thoughts that I have had while not in the throws of my illness. When I'm not being controlled by it, I have seen THIS. That those around me are trying SO hard to help me. I've just learned to tune them out, and tune the set-talk in. And of course none of these "what people with (fill in the blank) want you to know" posts cover the unique needs and reactions, etc of everyone. For all I know there are people out there who could care less about mental illness. Typically though, if you're living with mental illness ( I refuse to say suffering. It feeds the negative self-talk. I won't feed that monster.) those around you are trying to reach out and love you. They just need a little more direct coaching on how to help YOU. They need the directions on what helps you. Because lets be honest; mental illness is not a "one size fits all" thing. We all live with it differently, have different triggers, respond to different things. Be kind to those trying to reach you. Look for them. They're there. And they are tired too. Sit down, lean on each other, and rest together for a while. Then you'll both have the energy to stand and fight the beast together.

I AM the Storm

I have seen a lot of those MEMEs about the Devil whispering that you can't withstand the storm, and the person answers "I am the storm". I'm getting really tired of all that. What if I don't want to be "the storm'? What if I don't think the world NEEDS anymore "storms"? What if I'm the Calm inside the Storm? The world around us is exploding with aggression, and fight responses. When confronted with challenges people fight. When confronted with heartache people fight. Maybe I want to be calm. I want to take a deep breath, drop my shoulders, bow my head, and let it go. I want to resonate with such calmness that I break-up the fighting. I want to be so deeply embedded in the calm that it draws people into it. I want to watch the world settle from the Storm and join in the Calmness. I believe that it is perfectly acceptable to not be the Storm; whipping around wildly, and slashing at everything insight. It is acceptable to not fight back. It is acceptable to resign yourself to a season of less than "what you deserve" in life. It is ok to not be ok. In our whirlwind of a busy world, and all the blogs, advice books, motivational speakers, and the like telling us it's ok to not be busy; we seem to not actually understand how that works. We still feel this draw to the Storm. Well, I've resigned from the Storm. I may not practice "peaceful parenting" ( yes, I yell at my kids when I've repeated myself 12 times), but I see no need to be busy. We have more days of lazy play at home than we have of playdates, and classes, and errands, and extra. We spend more time at home playing together. We know every nook of our house. Yet I find that most people are borderline appalled when they learn that I don't do all the stuff the world expects me to. Part of me worries and stresses out about it. Sometimes I wonder if my children will be upset that we didn't take professional photo's for their first birthday. I ponder their disappointment when they get married and their spouse has a million professional baby photo's from when they were first born, and all I've got for them are pictures I took with my iPhone in the hospital of them screaming at the fact that the nurse just took them from my womb and laid them on my chest. How dare She! I don't have milestone photo shoots with fancy chalkboards, or celebratory cakes, or even stickers I printed off Pinterest. I reflect on the lack of big fancy over-the-top parties for EVERY birthday. You get a bid deal on your 1st, maybe your 8th, but I am NOT that Mom. I've contemplated how much they'll feel like I stole something from them because I didn't do very many of the "trendy" things moms do. So this is Me, signing off. I REFUSE to be the Storm. I will not partake in the crazy. I will deny myself, and by association my Family, the chaos of the Storm of trendy new things that make us "busy". This is Me, take a step back. This is Me, breathing deeply. This is me, bowing my head and closing my eyes. This is Me, letting it all go. This is Me, being the Calm in the midst of the Storm. This is Me, inviting others to join me. This is Me, giving space for those who need to escape the Storm. This is Me, stepping into my comfort zone and learning to invite others inside. This is Me, taking back control over the peace I feel. This is Me, looking the Devil straight in the face and instead of telling him I can match him at his own game, saying; That's ok. I am the Calm that brings others out of the Storm. I am the friendly face, the kind gesture, the smile, the breath of fresh air, the support. I don't need to withstand the Storm, for I do not reside in it.

Drive-ins, Swimming, and All Things Summer

I'm not an easy person to like. I say that a lot. Most people see that as fishing for a compliment. I say it with the self realized evidence of the past several years. The one thing my Husband has admitted about first meeting me? He didn't really like me. He thought I was a "know-it-all". Most of the friends I have that stuck through the awkward stage? They'll say it took some time to "warm up" to the idea of being my friend. Most people will confess to me that they weren't certain about whether or not they could deal with me when we first met. . . Let that sink in for just a moment. Imagine being told for the better part of your late 20's early 30's that you are not the ideal, personable human being people befriend. Imagine being told regularly that you're "difficult" to enjoy. Now think about how that sits on the psyche. There's a good reason I don't reach out to people. There's a reason I don't go out of my way to go places, or throw parties, or even attend parties. Several reasons actually. The big ones come from what happened to me in my early 20's. The "little" ones come from the fact that I can't even get my own family to enjoy me, let alone strangers; so I just stay home. My children are difficult to like as well. Mostly because we spend so little time with people outside our own home. It's difficult to have play dates when no one wants to sit and talk to you as the adult. I stopped pretending I understand people in the middle of what was going on with me before. I stopped paying attention to whether people mattered when the Major was selling me as a commodity. It makes me difficult to like. I don't understand the purpose of small talk. I don't really care about gossip. I'm not all that interested in fashion, and the latest craze ( which should be evident by my inability to dress myself.), I don't know how to not be awkward. Awkward is kind of my default setting. I am out of place in the world. I don't fit in. I do better when I keep my mouth shut, but I end up dying a little inside because no one really knows who I am. I get an uncouth exuberance when a subject I know about is brought up. I feel personally insulted when people won't let me help them; because it happens so rarely that I can be useful. I feel a great deal of pain at the fact that my children are the wierdos because I can't make enough friends with children their age for them to have playmates. My heart breaks when they desperately want to play with someone, and I have made that impossible. There is a silent amount of guilt killing me because I am difficult to like. Yet if I pretend, and become likable, I also die a little inside. So, Parenting catch 22. Do you die inside because your children are lonely and unlike, or do you die inside because you're faking it? Maybe someday I will know the answer, and my children will forgive me for failing them in this area. Maybe.